Motherhood

I don't have much to say, so I'll insert a portion of a talk I read by Teresa Santiago, given at a BYU Women's Conference, called "Get Thee Behind Me: Thwarting Latter-day Deceits." Excellent talk, especially this part:

"Satan's Deceit #5: Women's bodies are to be admired for their youth and beauty...Whenever we look in the mirror, we are reminded of what we are not. Satan would have it just that way. He would have us think that because our bodies do not look a certain, supposedly desirable, way, they are not worth having at all. Thus, we enter into a war with our bodies, hating the very tabernacle our Father has given us, despising the flesh. If Satan can get us to fixate on our bodies, either in vanity or self-loathing, then he has caused us to misunderstand completely the role our bodies play in our salvation."

"I was pregnant all one summer. I spent my time bobbing in the deep end of Deseret Towers' pool watching the women go by. I wondered why the women who had contributed the most to our society seemed to feel the least confident. Why did they cover their bodies as if in shame, disrobing only to plunge quickly down, their shoulders barely emerging above the waterline as they stood watching their children swim? Why did the freshman Deseret Towers' residents, young women who knew nothing of what breasts and hips and wombs are meant to do, rule, queens of the roost? In a better world, in a kinder, more saintly world, a mother's body would be kindly regarded, with respect and honor for what she has given, for what she has done. I am learning that a woman who mothers well gives all she has: body parts, internal organs, limbs. Some parts are temporarily donated; others, irreparably altered; most effects are permanent. And, if she lets this mothering sink into the marrow of her bones, if she allows the job of nurturing to wrestle with her spirit, a woman's soul is wrought in the image of God."

After describing the painfully premature labor and death of her third child (born with serious malformations), she says the following:

"Could I have broken my heart to the will of the Lord another way? Would I have come so heavy laden and willingly to the Savior's yoke?...I cannot help but think, as I remember those births, that this human body, also can make us most divine - that the peculiar pains of a woman's flesh teach her exquisitely, intimately. What they teach she cannot know beforehand or even know that she needs to know...Time writes its messages on all of us. Our very bodies have become our book of life, 'an account of our obedience or disobedience written in our bodies.' To what have we been obedient? To the purpose for which we were made: to provide a body and a safe haven for the spirits entrusted to our care. If we mother well, we wear out our lives bringing to pass the lives of others. Of the physical fruits - our wider hips, our sagging breasts, our flatter feet, and rounder buttocks - we need not be so ashamed."

David reminds me often that I will "be saved in my childbearing." After reading this talk, I think it means I'll finally learn - probably after a lifetime - the lesson of complete selflessness, the lesson of total forgiveness, the lesson of charity and unconditional love. Like Sister Santiago said, before I had children I didn't even know I needed to learn these things. Maybe all mothers need to be reminded of the true divinity of this calling from which we will never be released.

Thanks to all of you for being mothers I can emulate, and for giving all you have to your families.

No Regrets

Tonight I heard that a good friend's father passed away. I can't imagine what losing my parents will be like. Actually, I could start to imagine it but it's too painful so I am stopping right now. I feel like there's nothing I can do, except make cookies (which are baking as I type!) and maybe bring over some snack foods for her to put out for her out-of-town guests. The upside is I get to see her son and his family (her son's my age), who live in San Diego and aren't usually able to visit very often. I remain convinced that the way to overcome the fear of death (which is ubiquitous, no matter what you say) is to live a life with no regrets. Could someone tell me how that's done? :)

Also, today Hunter is 7 months old. It's hard to believe it's gone by so fast. I worry about my little guy, though, because although he's been taking Zantac for about two weeks, he threw up an INCREDIBLE amount of, well, stuff today. About 1/2 a cup, which is all his poor tummy can hold, I'm sure. He has a dr. appt. Friday and maybe he won't have to go through too many horrible tests. He's just pure joy, that sweet boy - his smile could melt a thousand hearts. He has his little games and conversations and always, that beautiful grin.

A wicked storm blew through N.M. tonight. Lots of thunder and lightning, rain coming down in sheets, hurricane wind (thank goodness we don't have hurricanes here!). Of course, Helena was terrified. (She comes by it honestly...my great-grandmother used to hide under the covers with a bottle of Scotch during thunderstorms.) But she pretended to be excited, like her Daddy, and tried (bless her heart!) to be brave. It WAS really loud and startling, and the power cut off for a minute. Sometimes I think Helena's intelligence has grown faster than her emotions, and I have to remind myself she's just three, after all. This morning we (myself and the kids) took a bike ride, with Helena riding her industrial-strength tricycle, and we rode a LONG ways - half a mile? three-quarters? - and she didn't complain a bit. The only thing is, I had to go REALLY slow. Like, dead turtle slow. The kids were happy, and so was I.

Oh, and big thrill for me - our garden has some ginormous tomatoes on it, and big fat green peppers that look "grocery store" good. (Not Aldi's - their produce is terrifying.) I can't believe it. Must be that Square Foot Gardening!

"Death is no more than passing from one room to another. But there's a difference for me, you know. Because in that other room I shall be able to see." - Helen Keller

Smoke and Mirrors

Today I had a list of things to do. I got about half of them done. All things considered, that's not so bad, especially as I had Aidan over this afternoon until about 7pm and Dan didn't get home until 8pm. The really urgent stuff is done and the rest of the list will just have to be pushed out until tomorrow.

Dan and I had a budget talk this weekend. Happily, it turns out we can actually live on less than we make if we're responsible. It's funny, but Dave Ramsey's right when he says "Once you do a budget, you'll feel like you're getting a raise."

I wanted to blog tonight about my 10 year class reunion. It was this past Saturday evening at Hobo's Tavern here in Muskegon. I went shopping and purchased some new clothes - ones that I actually like and would wear, nothing contrived - and we packed the kids up and sent them to Ga-ga's. This was Hunter's first time staying at Ga-ga's, and he was a little fussy, sadly. Still, she might take him again. :)

Anyway, I saw some of my classmates - probably about 20 out of the 48 people I graduated with - and heard about what most of the rest were up to. I caught up with a few of the ones I was closest to, and Dan was able to talk with his friend Matt, who he used to work with and who I (obviously) graduated with. We shared a few memories as a group. All in all, it was a fun evening.

I was really surprised by two things: First, I was really comfortable. I didn't feel unattractive or pudgy, didn't "try too hard" to make conversation, I was outgoing and talked to almost everyone (I was like that in H.S. too), and didn't feel uncomfortable at all. I mention that because in H.S. I was always questioning myself, until about my senior year when I finally said "to heck with it" and was just the friendliest, happiest person and didn't care what others thought of me. I was only concerned with doing what I should be and becoming what I should be. (I've almost reverted back to the self-conscious me, really).

Second, and this was absolutely astonishing, I was SHOCKED by how many people were SMOKING! I expected the drinking, you know, as we were at a bar and it was the #1 activity in H.S. But geez, I had no idea so many people were smokers. This included parents, professionals, VERY intelligent people with successful careers and great education, blah blah blah. But they weren't smart enough to realize that smoking is one of the worst things you can do to your body. My friend Jen and I speculated that maybe they were just social smokers - you know, people who only smoke when they go out to bars and drink. I don't know how common that is (it doesn't come up in my LDS circles.) So, I was disgusted at that. Moreover, it started to make me nauseous and I had to wash my hair 4 separate times to get the stank out. My clothes had to be washed twice with every kind of laundry additive I had available. It very much changed my opinion of everybody, not in a judgemental way, just in an amazed "are you kidding?" way.

One other thing I wanted to post was the Big News (for the N.M. ward people, anyway): Sharon Wilson and Jason Gifford are engaged! I'm so happy for them I could burst. I used to BABYSIT Sharon, for crying out loud! And I've been pulling for Jason ever since he joined the church. They both strike me as determined, focused people, but it's so SWEET to see how much they love each other. Why did Jason decide to ask her yesterday? Because when he went to the temple he felt inspired that THIS was the girl, THIS was the time. Dan and I both just want the best for those two. They deserve it. It kind of reminds me of when Dan and I were engaged. Good times, good times. (I did suggest that he "re-do" his proposal, maybe around our 10th anniversary, b/c it ended up being a little...different than he planned. Also, a surprise 2nd honeymoon to WDW wouldn't be out of order, I'm sure.)

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney

Families Are Forever

As I've said before, this blog primarily acts as a surrogate journal for me, so I apologize in advance for the writings contained within if they sometimes seem pointless, confusing, or irrelevant. Reading my friends' blogs has inspired me to write about one of my favorite topics: Family.

The extended family that I am most familiar with is my mother's side. My dad's family lived mostly in Utah, Idaho, and Washington, and my mother's family lived in Michigan, Chicago, and one branch in Utah, so I was much closer to them. My mom's brother, Doug, married after his mission and he and his wife moved to UT to raise their family. Doug's always been one of my favorite uncles, and he's tried to visit here as much as possible on a somewhat limited income. His past few visits have been sad ones, associated with funerals of his mother and brother, but always welcome. It was especially fun to have he and Tricia visit with the kids - my "Utah cousins." Sometimes, just one of the cousins would come out for a summer when I was a kid and stay with Grandma for a month or two. Well, since Grandma's not here anymore, Stacie, my youngest Utah cousin (who's about 5 years younger than me) came out to visit for this past week and stayed with Aunt Christina.

Stace and I have always been really good friends. She is funny, easygoing, open, and is generous enough to say that any activity we can think of for her is fantastic. While she was here we went to the beach a couple of times (with the aunts, kids, etc.) and had some whole-family cook-outs. But the BEST visits we had were our VERY late-night walks. I drove over to Christina's after the kids were in bed, and we walked the neighborhood till 1 or 2 in the morning. (Thank goodness N.M. is safe.) We shared all the "family secrets" from both sides, talked about marriage and kids (she's still single), jobs, goals, church, gospel topics, and agreed that Lake Michigan is the best place to be on earth.

There's something about family, isn't there? Something that makes friendships that are so deep and lasting, even between two people (like Stace and I) who really don't see each other much, or communicate regularly. I wish I could know all of my family, even the extra-extended parts, more often. After all, we all only have a limited amount of time on this earth and I have so many cousins, if I don't get started now, I'll lose the opportunity (at least for now).

"I don't care how poor a man is, if he's got family, he's rich."

My beautiful children

Helena: She's starting to grow up. In particular, she's starting to have a life of her own, independent of me. For example, she spends every Friday night at Ga-ga's, and they do all kinds of things together. Also, tonight she and Dan are camping out in a tent in our backyard. She's so excited I'll be surprised if she ever sleeps! (He's such a wonderful dad, by the way. My cousin Stacie's here visiting and she told me he was the sweetest dad she'd ever seen.) She has an imagination, and an imaginary world, and I'm afraid of that time in the not-too-distant future when I'll be a tangential part of her existence and her friends will be everything. But she's absolutely the best: smart, funny, beautiful, happy, and becoming easier to "reason" with every day. I love her so much.

Hunter: He's so good-natured, but lately has become more fussy, either because he's teething or due to his newly-diagnosed acid reflux. I'm a bit scared of that. I took him to the doctor because he spits up every single time he eats, and sometimes it's a huge amount. It doesn't seem to hurt him but he'd lost 10 ounces since his last visit 10 days before. That isn't right. Tomorrow I think I'll ask Dan to give him a blessing. I know this is pretty common and everything but I still worry about him. He has the funniest way of playing games. My favorite is the one where he pulls my face in and puts my nose squarely in his mouth, then he oohs and ahhs around it. That baby melts my heart, I'll tell you what. I love him so much.

I was thinking about the Duggar family today, the one with 16 kids? And I thought, "Man, doesn't that overwhelm the mom completely? And what does she feel when a new baby comes along?" I realized that although her life might be chaotic she ALWAYS has more love in her heart for more kids. In the "baby afterglow" days, shortly after both Helena and Hunter's births, I wished I could have 10 more. My sanity wouldn't support it very well but I would have plenty of love for them.

Other news: Our Square Foot Garden has about 30 tomatoes growing in it (what will I do with them? Do I have to learn how to can?); Dan's almost done with the Well of Doom; I am happier every day that we get closer to our Disney World trip; I love Lake Michigan; I'm so glad that Jason Gifford is home and that he and Sharon came over to visit the other day; "The Johnstown Flood" by David McCullough is an excellent book.

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer and wish we didn't." - Erica Jong

A Fabulous Sunday

We made reservations today for our February 2008 trip. What words are there to describe how happy I am? Why even try? Imagine your happiest past memory...it's that feeling. And I'm not even there yet.

Today was a GOOD day at church (I posted not too long ago about one of those not-so-good Sundays). My heart was full to bursting, not because I wasn't busy or didn't have a million things to do. I think I just decided it would be a good day, and the Lord made up the difference. We didn't have many people there today but that most important of all, the Spirit, was there and that was enough.

I had some unexpected and very lovely gifts for Hunter (one from my great-aunt Lucille, the other from my third cousin once removed, Joan, in England) that I have yet to write thank-you notes for. I plan on writing letters, actually, and asking questions and getting some genealogical information from them while simultaneously expressing my gratitude for some snazzy clothes for H.D.L.

I received a couple of insights (inspirations?) at church today. First, I realized that living gospel principles makes life easier in a simple, but miraculous way. Two examples:

1. Paying tithing. Even if your income doesn't change, once you start paying tithing, your budget magically works and there's enough to go around. Much different from when you don't pay tithing and you never seem to be able to meet your needs.
2. Prayer, scripture study, feeling the Lord's love daily: I didn't have a simple name for this. But it's that gospel living that, when done every day, seems to make your time stretch to allow you to fulfill all of your duties, makes you more cheery, seems to help your kids be better-behaved and more loveable, inspires you to be more of service (and gives you the time to do it!). Again, much different from when we ignore that part of our lives and then proceed to stumble through our days, busy but never getting anything done and feeling more and more selfish with ourselves and our time.
3. An investigator visiting our ward today (for the second time) said that she learned that love isn't worth much until you give it away. Love IS a verb.

Last week? Or the week before? I went to dinner with a couple of friends. Food was fantastic, I recommend the Hearthstone to all of my Muskegon County friends. Anyway, our server received a nice, healthy tip from yours truly because he proclaimed The Smiths to be the Best Band to Come Out of the Eighties. Their music was beautiful; I just wish it was a little more uplifting. It tends to be a bit on the depressing side. "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want" is just lovely.

"As Dumbledore explains, the real master of Death accepts that he must die, and that there are much worse things in the land of the living." - J.K. Rowling

One of those Oprah Moments

I had an Ah-Ha! moment today. I realized...drumroll...that I am an Emotional Eater. But I also don't believe in Labels. I mean, aren't emotions tied into everyone's eating? Some people eat more when they're upset or stressed, some people stop eating...I wish I were category 2, but hey. I read an interesting statistic (care of my new Chiropractor): The state ranked number 1 for deaths from cardiovascular disease is Washington, D.C. (not strictly a state). The state ranked lowest in that same category? Hawaii. Don't tell me heart disease doesn't come from stress. Hawaiians eat roasted pigs and spam and stuff, right, so it isn't all because of a poi-based diet.

The last couple of weeks have been outrageously, uncomfortably busy for me. The hardest part about them was the recent move of a good friend. She and her family are moving because of a great job opportunity for her husband, and I know they'll be really happy, but it's still saddening to me. I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed with my new church calling, which requires a lot of travel and thus lots of time away from my family. My grandparents served in multiple callings in the old Great Lakes Mission and Lansing Stake, and they did a lot more driving than I ever will! I'm not really complaining - but it feels like some days Dan and I are just "tag-teaming" our kids and not spending time as a family together.

Today it is, let us say, 300 degrees outside. I am afraid to leave the house lest I turn into a Beth Puddle. Once again I sing the praises of whatever unsung hero invented air conditioning. I would rate it above television, chocolate-covered pretzels, and the artificial heart in terms of everyday usefulness. (That list would change dramatically if I lived in Washington, D.C.).

Here's a little zinger for you to consider (you've heard it before): We are not human beings have spiritual experiences, we are spiritual beings having human experiences.

Hopelessly Optimistic

Have you ever noticed that every theme song from a 1980's TV show is hopelessly optimistic? Here are a few:

"As long as we've got each other we've got the world spinning right in our hands"
"Every time I turn around I see the girl that turns my world around"
"Theme music playing from Hill Street Blues...it's instrumental but it still ends in a Major key!"

What a happy decade. I'm thrilled to have grown up in it.

Sometimes I feel like everyone I know has a fantastic life. Even people on radio shows that I don't know have fantastic lives. I start thinking "What do you do to get that?" and begin the Comparison/Criticism cycle. After a few futile minutes I realize that I am blessed too, as much or more than most people I know, and definitely more than most people I don't (like, 96% of the world). It all depends on focus. I could complain that I have a backside on which you could easily project movies; that my husband just spent two weekends on a roof and is ready to jump right in to Weekend Three: Well-Digging; that my kids are so energetic they run circles around me; that my calling necessitates driving all over the stake with a wee baby; or that we had to pay a back tax bill and thus deplete our emergency fund.

OR, I could be grateful that: I'm not suffering for want of food; I have a spouse who is so hard-working and unselfish with is time (and back); that my kids are so energetic, imaginative, healthy, and happy; that I have a calling where I can see long-lost friends in the stake; and that we had plenty in our emergency fund to pay said back tax bill.

Beyond that, I have friends and family and the gospel. Shoot, what more do you want?

"You want to be where you can see your troubles are all the same - You wanna go where everybody knows your name."

Genealogy, I Am Doing It!

Genealogy is the BIGGEST thrill. Most people don't really get that feeling until they're, let us say, 73. I started getting the Family History bug around 13, about 60 years too early. The only good part about starting young is that you can get much more information because your relatives haven't all died yet! Even though I end up spending much more time on it than I really have, I feel like it's an eternal work - a work that REALLY matters, unlike so much of what we do in this life.

Right now I've decided to start working on descendancy instead of ascendancy (that is, descendants instead of ancestors.) My grandparents and their generation have done most of my ascendancy work. At least, as much as can be done without lots of money, professional genealogists, and world travel. Descendancy work is much harder, in my opinion, because their birth and death records are protected by privacy laws, while your ancestors' vital records are now public. It's very rewarding, though, to find a cousin and communicate about your common family. I've met a few cousins who are shirt-tail relatives, to say the least, but they are still FAMILY. You have an instant connection - the same feeling I have when I meet someone who is a member of the church. Even if it's my first time meeting them there's immediately a foundation to build on. The creepy thing is when they start sending pictures, and you see yourself, or your parents, or your grandparents, in that person's features.

I'm also lucky to have an outrageously enormous family. Not my immediate family - just one sister - but my parents both had lots of siblings, whose parents had lots of siblings, and everybody keeps having kids. Then you can start to factor in step-relations, or in-laws, or in-laws of in-laws...gets pretty messy.

Most of my ancestors hail from Scandanavia. That's wonderful, of course, but I get the sinking feeling that learning to speak Swedish may be in my future. Worse things could happen.

And speaking of my enormous family...our Sweet Baby Hunter Bunter is calling to me. It's not a cooing, "come talk to me, Mom" cry, it's a "get me OUT this crib before I blow up!" type of cry. Better go.

A Big Post about Disney World

Now, you've all had your fair warning! But after a sort of lengthy discussion about Walt Disney World with some friends today, I decided to post my feelings, thoughts, comments about WDW for their benefit. I won't be offended if you don't read this. It's still good for me. Be prepared to think I'm a total psycho by the end of this post. (Or MORE of a total psycho.)

The question that was posed to me was: "Why do you love Disney World so much?" This was actually a really difficult question. It shouldn't be - goodness knows, I think about WDW enough - but the real REASON behind why I love it so much is something I haven't much considered. I just took it for granted that I do. It's hard to describe exactly why, so instead I'll list some things I love ABOUT WDW and then maybe it will help me figure out why. (It's good for me to do this. I should probably examine why I have the passions and interests I do, just for an existential exercise. )

1. It has a fantastic "feeling" about it. It's hard to describe this part. It's an atmosphere, sometimes described as magical, that's created to make you feel happy. I know it isn't a "real" place; that is, the whole thing has been made to specifications, but the feeling you get is definitely real, and very positive.

2. People are on their best behavior. Need help with a bag or stroller? Ask anyone. Are you holding a sleeping toddler? Here, take my seat instead. Did you want our Fastpasses to Test Track? We can't use them but don't want them to go to waste. Are you crabby because you're hot, but you still want to go on this ride, but only the second half, because your daughter will get scared on the first half? Here, I'm a High-Ranking Cast Member. I'll get you into the second half only. Did your waitress at Akershus just spill drinks all over your lap? When you get back to your room we'll have flowers on the table and we'll credit $50 to your room to pay for your ruined clothing.

3. Everyone talks to everyone else. I'm referring to the ease of conversation here. We once met a nice older man, visiting the Disney Studios by himself, who had fought in WWII and was on the beach at Normandy on D-Day. It's so easy to strike up conversations with people you've never met.

4. It's safe. My sister and I were all over the World (buses, monorails, rides) at 12 and 15 years of age without any problems. If your kids do get lost, the Cast Members have an EXTENSIVE system to return them to you within a few minutes.

5. The ability to escape from your "real" world. Your whole life is "real." You deal with "real" all the time. At WDW you just don't have to. It's clean, beautiful, happy...add your positive adjectives here.

6. WDW works very hard to create atmosphere and ambience throughout the whole enormous property. For example: If you enter the Magic Kingdom at the park's opening and listen to the music playing, you'll notice that it's upbeat, exciting, happy. By the end of the day, when you're tired and ready to relax, you'll hear softer, smoother, slower music that matches your mood. The closer you look, the more you see the physical details, like the extensive (and outrageously varied) landscaping, or the small details in a ride that give it depth. The garbage cans are even matched to the decor of the park or land they're in - Adventureland's trash cans resemble bamboo, Epcot's Future World cans are futuristic (one of them talks to you!).

7. The rides are fun. I didn't fall in love with WDW because of rides but they are good. They DO NOT compare, at all, to rides at any other amusement park. In fact, WDW is NOT an amusement park. Michigan's Adventure, Cedar Point, etc., are all about thrill rides, really, while WDW's rides are first about story. It's a Small World isn't much in terms of a ride (you sit in a slow moving boat on a track) but the displays around you are beautiful and detailed. However, they do have thrill rides that pack a punch. The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror is a case in point. It's not just a free fall; it's a free fall, then another, then another. Or the Rock 'n Roller Coaster with Aerosmith - count me in for ANY ride featuring Aerosmith music.

8. It's beautiful. Everywhere. There is NO ugliness in the whole place. (That guests can see, anyway.)

9. There is so much to do. This might be a problem if you've never been before and want to do everything in one visit, but since I've been several times now, I don't feel the pressure to do it all. We take a break in the afternoon to nap, read, swim by the pool, and then go back to the parks in the evening. There are also things like waterskiing, parasailing, golfing, tennis, fishing, etc. to try that I've never had time for yet. Maybe someday.

I'm not sure if I'm in love with WDW because it's become a hobby, or if it's because I have so many great memories from there, or because I need psychotherapy. But I get thrills there when...

I walk onto Main Street in the Magic Kingdom. My chest feels like it will burst.

I see Helena's reaction to It's a Small World.

I am there with my family and we're having fun without telephones, computers, or interruptions - just us and families like us.


I do know that I am only this passionate about a few things: My family, the gospel, WDW, maybe one or two others. Unfortunately, this is an expensive passion. With good planning I've never NOT enjoyed a trip to WDW, even when it was hot and humid, or had to stand in lines. Even though there are always lots of people at WDW, I have experienced a lot of quiet and peaceful times (during the least busy times of year).

Holly, it's probably not the typical vacation that your family has been on. (Dan empathized with Nathan's ideas about just buying a camper instead!) But it also isn't ANYTHING like any amusement park you've been to before. (This is not a week at Deer Park Funland.) Your two older kids will remember most of it, and your youngest will remember more than you think. If you decide to go and you plan it well, I think I can promise you'll have a great time. You can probably go at any time - in 3 years, in 5 years, next year - and there will be good experiences no matter what. I'm not a great fan of Florida itself, but there's nothing like driving from MI to FL in the winter...it's like slowly entering paradise. It gets warmer and greener with each passing state, and all of a sudden there are orange groves and Spanish moss everywhere you look. And then at the end of your journey through the Midwest, to the Appalachians, to the honest-to-goodness South, you're at the Happiest Place on Earth!

Sorry I couldn't be a touch more pithy in my answer to Why I Love Disney World!

Cookie Thoughts

Tonight I was making cookies because...well...fine, I have no reason. (They are so good, though. I'm noticing that WAY too much of my eating happens after dark! Anyway...) But while I was making them I had a thought: Even though the dough could have been mixed a little better before I started putting dollops of dough on the cookie sheet, every cookie STILL had a chocolate chip in it. In fact, they all had a least a few. That's just like us, isn't it? Particularly during our teenage years, we start to think that we don't have any defining qualities, or unique characteristics, or worthy traits. The truth is, we ALL have chocolate chips inside of us.

It's 10:30pm. What did you expect?

On Sunday at church, I was walking down the hall with Helena, on our way to meet Dan and Hunter, and she noticed a picture of Jesus on the wall and said, "Mom, he's what we pray about!" Indeed.

Here's another Deep Thought for you: When we were painting Helena's room, we decided to make it a two-tone purple rather than just one deeper shade. We decided to just take the darker shade and mix it with some white paint until it was exactly the right (slightly lighter) shade that would be complementary. While this was going on, Dan said (and this is probably obvious, but since he's an art major and I am kind of art-phobic, it was news to me): "No matter how small the amount of color we add to this white paint, once we add it, we can never make it white again. It will always have a slight tint." Get ready for Analogy Time now: Isn't that just like our lives? Once we sin, WE can never make our lives perfectly white again. No amount of apologizing or good works or even childbearing can make up for the sins we commit. That's why it's such an incredible miracle that the Savior CAN and DOES and HAS made up for all of our sins, shortcomings, and mistakes. Isn't that exciting?

Some good books I've read lately:

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver
My Life in France by Julia Child with Alex Purd'homme


Good books I'm going to read:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling. Hallelujah!!! (Except when I finish it I'll likely be crying over it, and additionally depressed that there's no more to look forward to.)

And thanks for all the birthday wishes yesterday! I had a pretty good day, and a fun family birthday party that evening featuring cake decorated by Helena. (It was very symmetrical: princess crowns and wands all lined up, candles standing straight as soldiers.)

Ravages of Aging

Today Caity and I each brought our two kids along with my other nephew, Aidan, to my sister's nursing home (she's the activities director) to participate in a children's parade. The residents really seemed to enjoy having little kids and babies to talk to and coo at, and the kids were happy to get free balloons and eat cookies.

But I couldn't help but be sad. My sister's worked with the elderly since her graduation from college almost 10 years ago, and she loves her job, loves working with people who have Alzheimer's and dementia, loves taking care of people that the rest of society would rather forget. Hey, she's not perfect, but work like this is what secures your place in heaven. The sadness came from the illness, the deformity, the cloudy minds of the once-vibrant people around me. None of us can escape getting older. We can hope that modern medicine will save us from the symptoms, or hope that we die quickly without suffering from chronic illness. But ultimately aging occurs, and I'm grateful that there are people like Andrea who will really love me even when I'm almost not "me" anymore.

Speaking of aging - I'm 28 years old today. We had a party at my aunt's house and I was able to read in my grandma's journal about the day I was born. My mom soldiered through, and almost died giving birth to me, and I was small at 5lbs and 13oz (I grew!) - Grandma was afraid to hold me for fear I might break. She said Andrea seemed to know what was going on and was pleased. (Her feelings about that varied over the years, I'm sure!). I'm glad to be here now, with so much of my family near.

And even more unbelievable - in 10 more years, I'll be 38. Wow.

Running Fool - or Foolish Runner?

Probably both.

But I did Day 2 of my running plan today. I almost laughed out loud, but I kept going. Tonight I decided to try and walk faster during the walking intervals but not push it too much with the running. It went okay, and I'm glad I did it. Sorry if I'm making too big a deal of this, but to me it IS a big deal. I've never done any running, although I have done some regular exercise in the past. (I ate some chocolate covered pretzels when I got home, though, thereby nullifying the whole deal. Nice.)

Speaking of exercise, I'm watching "Spanglish" - that Adam Sandler movie with Tea Leoni in it. She regularly practices yoga in real life, and she whipped out some fabulous yoga move in the movie and I was like - "WHOA!" She was holding herself up with, let us say, two fingers while holding her legs parallel to the floor. I like yoga because it's relaxing, but I can not even imagine being able to do that.

Last night we went to a family get-together with our cousins (Dan's cousin Ben and his wife Lisa just had a baby). It was so nice - really pleasant weather, great company, loving family - and their daughter is absolutely beautiful. When you see a tiny little baby like that you almost forget that babies start out that small. Hunter seems gigantic in proportion. I guess he is kind of big for his age, but still...this is not always a blessing, because I go through two sizes a season with these kiddos.

My stepdad, David, always reminds me (in jest) that the Bible says that women are saved in their childbearing. (And WHERE is that reference???) I'd love to know - how many kids must one have to cover one's sins? And, is one Helena worth 3 or 4 kids? If they don't sleep at night, do you get extra points? And what if you do something totally insensitive during their teen years that they never forget? All I know is, I love children...my own most of all. There were so many kids running around last night, it just made me so thrilled, in a deep-hearted kind of way.

One more movie thought: "Cinderella III" sounds like a nightmare, right? Like, you would never watch this movie out of your own free will and choice. Well, my mom (who has a Disney movie club membership) purchased the aforementioned movie, and incredibly, I watched it with Helena. Hey - it wasn't that bad. Once I got past my initial horror of sequels for their own sake, I didn't hate it. There were a few funny moments, some not too horrible music.

To my heroes, Dan and Joel, the Masters of the Roof: You did an incredible work today. Let it rain, let it pour, let the wind blow, let the sun beat down, and you will STILL finish that thing! I'm constantly amazed at the quantity and quality of work you two do together. Thank you for working so hard this weekend.

Another Big Idea

Every so often, I get a Big Idea. Occasionally they're doable - usually they become pleasant, somewhat outrageous memories. Today my Big Idea is that I am going to start running. I've never run before, because I have congenitally gimpy feet - Symptomatic Tarsal Nevicular, for those of you taking notes - which basically means my ankles are super-pronated and I was born with one extra bone in each of my feet. After my senior year of high school I had the left one removed. It didn't help much. Plus, and this is no small issue (literally), there's the unhappy vision of what I must look like running. Oh, don't try to picture it. Think of something else. And I hate the feeling that I can't breathe, oh, I'm dying, ouch, more sweat, how do people do this???

So, despite the obvious challenges, I am going to try. If people hike Mount Everest blind, or with no legs, surely I can run a little bit.

I found a plan online that sounds easy in practice called the Couch-to-5K Running Plan. It involves increasingly difficult intervals of walking and running that ultimately ends up in running for about 25 minutes. I tried it for the first time last night. (As close to dark as possible, naturally!). At first it wasn't so bad - I was running at a not-embarrassing pace and didn't have side stitches or unbearable knee pain. As I went on, though, it was harder. By the last running interval my feet barely left the pavement. It was embarrassingly slow. But my goal wasn't to whip around like an Olympic sprinter; I just wanted to actually COMPLETE the program for the day. And I did. Yep, my knees had a hard time dragging me upstairs to bed, and my back sort of hurt, but I can walk and function. Hooray! I do the same rotation tomorrow.

And if I ever DO become a "runner" (take that, Mr. Orthopedic Surgeon!), I will run the Walt Disney World Half Marathon. NOT the regular one, because let's face it, 26+ miles?

On a related note: I have discovered (to my chagrin) chocolate-covered pretzels. How did these remain hidden from me for so long? They are delicious, and less than 30% fat. Ed Wasiura says manna tasted like my grandmother's Parker House rolls. I say it tasted exactly like chocolate-covered pretzels. This point of doctrine is open for speculation.

More pictures

A few more, just for fun!

Love that Helena with wind in her hair! She and Ga-ga are like two peas in a pod. 57 years are no separation for those two!

Summer Fun

I don't really have much to say, but I do have some pictures to speak for me. Yesterday evening, while I was "out with the girls" (and Hunter), Helena and Dan went fishing with my Mom and David. Helena had a BLAST. In a way I wish I could have seen it...Thank goodness for cameras. She actually caught two fish! There are also a couple of humorous Hunter photos - one where he and Bennie were sharing the stroller, another where he was attempting to eat his toes. I added in a 4th of July picture...Helena spent the almost the entire time just running around in Ga-ga's big backyard.

Also, today we went to the Nelson Family Reunion at my cousin (well, first cousin twice removed, actually) Marilyn's home. Too bad we didn't get any pictures. She has a large piece of property with plenty of room to run around, lots of chairs and picnic tables, a fire pit and swimming pool. Even though our attendance seems to drop every year, we had a nice time. We hardly see each other outside of this reunion, but today the older members of the family shared some stories with me that I'd never heard before. I'm interested in all things genealogical, so that was neat for me. One funny story: I have an older relative (some of you may know her, if you're in my ward - she's our bishop's mom) named Doris who is, what, 70? 75? years old. She wears a wig, and tries hard to look "young," but after a certain point that's pretty hard. Anyway, today she was describing the TWO men who are currently after her - one who's local, the other from Sweden. We really had her going. Apparently she was engaged, long ago (in her younger days), but decided to ditch him and move to California, where all the handsome, available, exciting young me were. She said she was one of the first people she ever knew to "take matters into her own hands" and "follow her heart." So funny, but kind of sweet. Of all the things in our lives that we'll all look back on, and hope we did our best for, FAMILY will be the most significant item on our lists.

In My Little Town

There are so many reasons I love living in a small town. Everything is a pleasant stroll or bike ride away from home. We have our own post office, library, our choice of parks, excellent school district (I have to say that; I'm an alumnus), beautiful lakes, a grocery store, video store, pizza parlor..."North Muskegon - We've Got it ALL!" But it goes way beyond just what's in the town itself...

Our next-door neighbors have been out of town for about a week. They're both schoolteachers and they often go on extended vacations during the summer. They've asked us in the past to take care of their house (get the mail, etc.) but hadn't approached us this time. Anyway, this morning Dan noticed that their backyard sprinklers had been running continuously since at least yesterday - an expensive problem as they, like us, depend on city water to run their sprinkler system. Dan had to go to work so he left it up to me to try and break into their house and turn off the sprinklers. I poked around, tried all the doors and windows, dug through the bushes for those fake rocks you can hide keys in - with no luck. Well, we aren't really close with these neighbors and I didn't have their phone number and didn't remember their last name (very unusual, I think of Polish origin) so I called City Hall. Our friendly clerk, Christy, helped me figure out their phone number but all I could do was leave a message. Just as I was debating whether I should have the city turn off their water at the street, Christy called back and gave me the names and numbers of some friends of our neighbors. I had to ask - how did Christy know who their friends were? Turns out she'd called Debbie (the elementary secretary at the school; the two neighbor girls attend N.M.) and just asked who the girls hang out with. SUPER LONG story not so short, I was able to call their friend (who also happened to be looking after the house while they were gone) and she came over to turn off the sprinklers and save their super-soaked yard. That's small-town life. (Of course, we could be better friends to our neighbors and obtain their cell phone number, too.)

Here's one more:

When I was an elementary strings teacher at the aforementioned N.M. Elementary, I took my students on a field trip to the Frauenthal to see "Barrage," a modern string ensemble that incorporates music, dance, theatrics, etc. It was on a Sat. night, I think, and we had about 8 parents besides myself who were acting as chaperones, or who were just interested in seeing the show at a group rate. The show was great, but it ended a little sooner than we anticipated, and we arrived back at the school that night about 30 minutes before the parents were supposed to show up and take their kids. It was kind of cold - too cold to wait outside - and I didn't have a building key. Instead of trying to call each kid's parent, the other 8 chaperones and I just divided up the kids and brought them home - no big deal. Now, how many places in the world would you feel comfortable having random parents bring your kids home? I guess they aren't really "random" parents - everybody at least knows one another's names, even if they aren't friends. But you see what I mean.

Ever since I was a kid growing up here, our neighbors have always become our friends. Some more than others, obviously, but we at least know a little about each other, and there's an unspoken trust here. You don't have to worry, really, about the people around you - It's a comfort. You can go ahead and commit a crime, but everybody knows it's you, and they might call your Mom.

Plus, this place is beautiful. I know it might be suffocating for some people - I have one friend in particular who lives in New York City and says that Chicago is too "midwestern" - but it's perfect for me and a great place for my kiddos to grow up. Come see us!

Beth's Got Talent???

I'm a little embarrassed to admit my recent "addiction" to "America's Got Talent." Really, by addiction I just mean that I pay attention to when it's on and watch it with interest. I was disgusted when they voted Boy Shakira through, elated that they agreed with me on Cas Haley. While sharing my favorites with Dan on YouTube I came across the "Britain's Got Talent" winner, Paul Potts. This guy has a gift. He has the kind of vocal talent (opera, specifically) that I really believe can only come from above. It can improve with work and training but unlike some things, if you aren't born with it, you can't create it.

This got me to thinking. I'm not so sure I have a talent like that - just a pure, unadulterated talent. On the one hand, if I do, I'm unaware of it, which is a good thing - can't get too prideful there! On the other hand, I wish I did know, because maybe it would lend me some confidence.

After a lot of thought I decided that I can pray about what gifts I have and ask for gifts I want. Spiritual gifts, not "stuff." And I can develop one gift that everybody can have, and that's charity and the ability to love people without reserve.

Today Dan had the day off and the kids were (finally) feeling better, so we went to the Grandville mall, rode on the carousel, cruised the escalator ("elligator"), and watched "Ratatouille." I know a lot of people take their small kids to movies but after today, I don't believe I'll be one of them. To begin with, the movie was so loud it freaked Hunter out (and he's not touchy at all - a more laid-back baby there never was). It even bothered Helena, the Queen of Loudness. Then Hunter had a poopy diaper, but the restrooms did NOT feature ANY changing facilities - not even a stretch of counter to put him on. I balanced him gingerly between two sinks and worked fast to avoid any wiggles straight into the sinks. Eventually, after about an hour of nursing him in the van, walking around the mall, and praying for peace, he fell asleep. Helena also fell asleep after about an hour. The movie was...okay. I might have enjoyed it more if I weren't so distracted. Plus, can movies be more expensive? Even the matinee price was outrageous.


That being said, Dan and I will be going on our first kid-free date in a while to see "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" when it comes out. I hope it doesn't disappoint, but then, I'm pretty forgiving when it comes to Harry.

But, Helena had a great time. It's amazing how she finds fun in free, or almost-free, things. We rode the carousel, as I mentioned earlier, and she sat on her horse and waved to her "audience" the whole time. I was cracking up. Then I noticed this older guy taking pictures of her. I was, naturally, weirded out over this until after I saw him talking with Dan. Turns out this guy had his wife with him, in a wheelchair, and they had never been able to have kids. His wife thought Helena was just so cute and wanted to have some pictures to remember it. Dan gave them the go-ahead. (We used to have more experiences like this. For example, when Helena was around a year old, we had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant, and the Chinese waitress wanted to get a picture of Helena on her cell phone. I think that blond curls are a novelty for most Chinese people, where smooth dark hair reigns. It was funny.)

The day before she was having fun with Dan in the front yard. They were sitting on the curb, each holding a stick (their "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" sticks) and changing each other into various animals and monsters. Then they laid back and cloud-gazed for awhile. It was one of those moments that will flash through my mind when Helena's accepting her diploma or putting on her wedding dress. I can't believe how much I love her.

Same thing with Hunter. He's been so congested (which comes easily since he has such a wee little nose!) but he tries to be happy anyway. Last night he was nursing and I just made a little raspberry-ish noise in his ear, and he started laughing, hard, out loud - he was laughing too much to nurse, and then waiting in anticipation for me to do it again! Every time, without fail, that he wakes up, he looks over and smiles at me. Every single time. What can you do with kids like this? I just hand them my heart and go on with our day.

Time to pick up the house! Thanks for stopping by.

Munchies

Before I get to the "meat" of my blog I have to explain the title and ending quote of my last blog...I don't think I'm "cooler" than anyone! The title came from the ending quote, which comes from a song...I like that quote because it exposes the total ridiculousness of comparing, coveting, criticizing, and pride. When I first heard the song (which I can't listen to b/c of some profanity; didn't know that when I first heard it) I laughed, because it's so true. Just when you think you're doing okay you realize, Man, I'd better get humble, because check out THAT person! Or, in a more "middle school" kind of way, when somebody else insults or belittles you, you can think "Hey, there's always someone cooler than you!" I say, share the love.

I SO have the munchies tonight! It literally has to be food that makes a "munching" sound. So far I've tried tortilla chips, Ritz crackers, and Cheerios. Although all of these items are low in fat and calories, when added all together, they have plenty of calories - too many calories! Oprah says I'm not supposed to eat in the two hours before bedtime, but my body says eat everything you can find! Who wins? Maybe one of my genes is still in "feast or famine" mode. Apparently it believes that I am in a constant famine situation. Did it not look in the mirror this morning?

Dan and I made a big move this weekend. We bought a new mattress. This one is king sized, a step up from our current queen sized mattress. Basically, Dan's a super-sensitive sleeper and has been wanting a new mattress for months; we finally took the leap and the bed will be delivered tomorrow. Problem: although our bedroom is the biggest in the house, it still isn't that big and the bed will take up much of the room.

Let's make this an interactive blog. What do you think is one of the worst song covers you've ever heard? I have to say that Madonna's "American Pie" is horrifying. I also believe that since it's nearly impossible to improve on Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel's work together that nobody should even try.

"Having a church full of members is like the wood-box full of sticks - it's a handy place to have them but they don't do any good till they catch fire."

Cooler than you

I realized today that I have some really challenging things going on right now. I'm finishing up my bachelor's degree through independent study, about to start on a(nother) new calling, and raising two kids. (That doesn't count my list of "other" things, like fixing up the house or improving my health). But instead of thinking of them as "difficult" things I've decided that they're simply "challenging." And if I rise to the challenge the blessings will FAR outweigh the difficulties.

This was on my mind because tonight we went to an Eagle Court of Honor for our longtime family friend, Matt. He has some difficulties with processing information and some other learning disabilities, for lack of a better term, but he is, hands down, one of the very best people I know. He is unfailingly polite, never critical of others, always thoughtful and prepared to serve - even at home, where it seems easiest to let your Righteousness Guard down. I realized while listening to the descriptions of what badges he had to earn, and particularly his challenges with learning to swim, that Matt had some serious problems to overcome in order to earn his Eagle. But here's the thing. He did it. And for the rest of his life the blessing of being an Eagle Scout will FAR outweigh the difficulties he had in the process. In fact, he'll forget a lot of them. I decided that if Matt can do it I can too. (And certainly with less murmuring. Honestly.)

Here's a question for the "dozens, literally dozens" of people who read this blog. What is something you've overcome? I fully expect super-personal and possibly embarrassing answers to that question. :)

This is the part of my blog where I make a humiliating admission. Tonight while flipping through the TV channels, looking for anything worth watching (not that easy without a better cable package), I stopped on - yes, it's true - "The Parent Trap." Not the classic Hayley Mills version, but the new(er) Lindsay Lohan version. (It's like 10 years old now.) Actually, it seems to be on ABC Family all the time, and I watch it more often than I should admit. Anyway, on to the point: There's a part of the movie where the two Lindsay Lohans are in their Isolation Cabin together, discovering their twinhood, and there is rain beating down on their little cabin. Watching them today, huddled together with the rain drumming on the roof, reminded me of The Good Old Days of Girls Camp. (It was on my mind because Holly gave a little talk about her G.C. leader experience last week.) I remember being a camper huddled in a cabin with Megan, Melissa, Geniel, Stephanie, and possibly some other people, while we were trying to come up with some new lyrics for "The Bear Necessities." And I remember that week of my life was SO GOOD. Fabulous leaders, great pranks (canoe in the pool!), late nights, candy in disgusting quantities, never to be matched again. I wish I could transfer the emotion of my G.C. memories to the young women of today, to encourage them to go to camp every year they can and savor their time. (I also wished, after watching that, that I was cuddled up in a sleeping bag on a trashy cot, in a rickety cabin, listening to rain drumming on the roof. But maybe with Dan instead, not with some girl who was my long-lost twin. Weird.)

One more question (moms only): What do YOU do to be a fun Mom for your kids?

"Make me feel tiny if it makes you feel tall, but there's always someone cooler than you." - Ben Folds

Blogapalooza

Yes, I made up that word. Did you know Shakespeare added something like 3000 words/phrases to the English language? If you're interested at all in the development of the English language read "The Mother Tongue" or "Made in America" by Bill Bryson. (I think I've mentioned before that I would happily trade one of my uncles for Bill Bryson. He's busy as the Chancellor at Durham University these days. Geez, you'd think he was a personal friend or something.) They must be the only books on linguistics that anyone could stand to read with any fervor.

I love blogs. Sometimes I read random blogs (the other day I tried to get the gist of a Swedish blog - written in Swedish - didn't understand a whole lot) just to see what's out there. The first thing I noticed is that there are a LOT of spelling errors out there. A lot. Then I realized that in this new Internet/Text Messaging/IM World We Live In, spelling just isn't that important. It's really important, though, in 4th grade, when you're up against 5th grader Billy Franks, and you want to win. In my case, I didn't win until 5th grade b/c I misspelled "prairie." What? But I learn a lot from blogs. Sometimes it's b/c it's a more professional one, like thesimpledollar.com, and I actually learn something new. The best ones, though, are those written by my friends. You get to know each other in a much deeper way; plus, sometimes there's pictures. And you can "keep up" with friends you don't see much of and let them get a glimpse into your world, too. So thanks to everybody who blogs and gives me something fun to do.

Helena is reading her "Ratatouille" book to herself in her room. Imagine, if you will, the 3-year-old way of pronouncing that word. Hilarious. Earlier, she was reading her "I Can Use The Potty" book to herself. Here's an excerpt:

"Hi. I'm Amy. I don't like to have wet diapers. They feel yucky."
"Momma says I can make my poop and pee go tinkle, tinkle and plop, plop into the potty."
"Do you want to be a big kid like me? You can do what I do. You can pull your pants up and down, all by yourself. You can make your pee and poop go into the potty just like me."

(She has this whole book memorized. Meg, if you'd like a recording for Madelyn to listen to, it's free of charge.)

We're a little concerned about Hunter. He started eating solids about 2 weeks ago (he'll be 5 months old on Friday). This is fine, except that today he ate 4 TIMES, plus nursing. And it wasn't like he ate 2 oz at each feeding either...more like 4-6oz. That's not the only thing: He eats really fast. Watching him is like watching a garbage disposal with a tongue. There's a major protest, too, if I try to slow down or stop before he's ready. I suppose he thinks it's time to grow up, food is good, so let's eat more. He might have gotten the "let's eat more" philosophy from me. Oops.

There's a wicked cool breeze floating into N.M. right now, and I think I'll take advantage of it and go for a walk. Once both kids are zonked out I don't feel too bad about leaving Dan to finish his web work while I take off. Sometimes I call Andrea on the phone (I don't feel like I should bother anyone else that late); sometimes I listen to the iPod (technology borrowed from Dan; if it were up to me I'd have the Walkman - the CD Walkman, not the tape one, at least!).

I'm posting a picture of our house from last spring. This year the flowering trees hardly flowered. Any ideas why? Also featured: Helena first thing in the morning and Hunter rocking out (Aerosmith was actually on the radio during this picture.)

"Real glory springs from the silent conquest of ourselves." - James Thompson

You to Thank

Life can really get complicated, can't it? I wish I could put everything up on my blog, but I guess this isn't really the place to do it.

Happy Father's Day to all (both) of you dads who read this blog! I'm afraid Dan's F.D. wasn't so hot. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I wasn't crabby with him, necessarily, just crabby generally. And I can tell it rubbed off on the kiddos. Next year we're going to just go somewhere for F.D.

Do any of you have an internal compulsion to exercise? I REALLY wish I did. It's like the biggest fight in the world to get myself moving. (Now I sound like I'm schizophrenic - having fights in my mind, with myself. Nice.) It's not that I hate it so much once I'm going but I'd rather do almost anything else. On the other hand, I wore a shirt today that made my arms resemble sausages. They aren't my best feature, let's just put that right out there. So I guess it's worth overcoming my disinclination to work out.

My 10 year class reunion is coming up. It makes me stop and think about where I'm at and what I've done for the last 10 years. What follows is usually comparison thinking where I come up short. Should I even go?

H. and H. are totally wonderful! Hunter constantly smiles - always with his tongue sticking out - and Helena is so verbal and has such a huge memory, it's unbelieveable. It makes me laugh...the things she says! Some time I'll write a few phrases down and post them here.

Gosh, wish I had something worth saying. Let's see...

"If you make it plain you like people, it's hard for them to resist liking you back." -Lois McMaster Bujold

Fun Friday

I had fun today, mostly. There were a couple of rough spots where I had to set some boundaries with Helena regarding our mini-pool in the backyard (it's one of those semi-inflatable dealies where the water provides the tension along the sides of the pool.) Then tonight some friends came over and we all had tacos and desserts - very tasty! We watched part of a movie/documentary, but basically we just talked. Conversation just doesn't have a price! It is so valuable, at least to me, to enjoy intelligent (or ridiculous!) conversation among friends. It's much different than the wholly adorable and equally valuable conversation with my kids.

It's so hot outside. Actually, the last few days the humidity hasn't been as bad, but it's still hot and dry, with no rain, and thus our lawn is getting brown, even with underground sprinkling. Because the water for the sprinkling is drawn from our main city water line, we pay for it all - even sewer fees. Dan's in the middle of digging a well - don't tell him he can't do it himself! - which would cut our costs down considerably. We pay about $6-7 every time we water the lawn. We also have to water all of our other plants daily by hand so they don't wither and die. I don't know if global warming is causing this or what but it's amazing that we're stuck between three lakes and the grass can still get so brown, you know? On the up side, it's great beach weather!

I just finished a book called "If You Lived Here, I'd Know Your Name: News From Small-Town Alaska" by Heather Lende. I could write a book on that same theme about North Muskegon, but it wouldn't be as interesting (nor as well-written). Lende is a writer for the local paper - social happenings and obituaries. The book was much better than I thought it would be, and it's a nice, easy, couple-of-evenings read.

Tonight we talked about co-ed sleepovers, and how we're going to ban our children from attending ANY sleepovers b/c there's just too much that can happen that would be possibly harmful. But, I do remember many happy co-ed parties from my youth (remember the MoTab? Anyone???), with a bunch of LDS friends who didn't do anything more shocking than go to the beach late at night and discuss the gospel. Shocking. Those were good times. What's amazing is that almost every period of my life can be classified as "good times" but I rarely realized how fantastic it was while it was happening.

THIS is a long post! Last night I had a long chat with my sister. (Many, many thanks, Andrea - you know me better than I do!). I came to the conclusion that people do change as time goes on, including myself, and that it's only right and good that that happens. I realized that one way I've changed is that I'm more cautious in my relationships than I used to be, and I've decided that I don't need to do that, that I can give what I have and allow it to just be there, whether it's accepted or not. (This part of the blog is really just for me to remember later, as the "journal" part of this whole thing. Sorry if no one understands.)

And because I feel like a big loser without any pictures on my blog, I put up just two of my most beautiful creations. They are lovely, huh? :)

Sunday Sunshine

Today was a good day at church. I might be on the edge here, but I feel like there ARE such things as "bad days" at church - the ones where the kids are universally naughty, the talks and lessons feel lackluster, and your own attitude isn't exactly spiritually uplifting. Anyway, today's lessons were great and my kids were behaving, so I'm grateful for that.

I think we're going to do a Square Foot Garden. Have you heard of this? It's a gardening "system" where you use a special mix of soil and nutrients and a box to create a garden that is high-yield and virtually weed free. It doesn't take up much space and is low maintenance. Although it's a little late in the season to begin we can still plant tomatoes and peppers and maybe lettuce or something. One of our lessons at church was about self-reliance, and I realized that gardening is an important part of being self-reliant. Besides that, it will be a good way for us to teach the kids about planting, growing, tending, and reaping, to teach them skills like patience and responsibility, and to spend time with them not related to anything electronic, like computers or TV. Another part of self-reliance I haven't considered much is emotional resiliency. I think this is underrated. For example, how would I handle it if Dan suddenly lost his job or, worse, became disabled? Or if our house burned to the ground? Besides the financial aspects of such disasters, there is a real emotional toll taken as well at times like that. I'm not certain how you develop that strength, but I believe that, at least in part, dependence on the Lord and requesting strength from Him would help me to overcome fear and worry. Now, I should remember that I can do that today, without waiting for a real "disaster" to strike.

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." - Mother Teresa

Yet ANOTHER Crazy Day

This evening we had some company for dinner, so it was destined to be a crazy day. You know - you want your house to look great, better than usual, certainly, and of course there's the meal to prepared and planned (with an inevitable last-minute shopping run to get everything you need). On top of that, we decided to do a few store returns around town, but realized that we'd forgotten the stuff to return! By this point we were almost fighting (Helena: "Don't be mad, guys!").

The day ran too late, with too much excitement and no nap for Helena. I'm paying for that now. She's throwing a fit royale in her room right now. (Exactly like the last time I blogged!). I wonder if I'll remember any of this when she's a beautiful, talented, generous high school senior giving a commencement speech? :)

A question for all of you: Do you ever go on big vacations? And how often? Did you go on said vacations when you were a kid?

I'm hoping that someday I get so good at "entertaining" that it will be as easy for me as whipping up a batch of cookies: I know all the ingredients and which bowls I need, and I can get it together and in the oven in less than 10 minutes. Maybe someday I'll be able to prepare and execute a lovely, gracious meal and be a fantastic host to boot. (Of course, it would help if the house were already clean! Give me 40-50 years and I'll get there, I promise.)

Crazy Day

Wow. Helena is currently crying while having a semi-fit on the floor. Her "day of fits" started out as we were about to leave the library this morning. This is why I sort of hesitate to take her anywhere...she has the most horrible fits when the fun is over that I hardly want to take her to the playground even. So, in order to get myself in a more positive frame of mind and endure through yet another tantrum, I decided to take my own advice and replace criticism and negativity with gratitude (the topic of my last RS lesson).

I am so grateful for just about everything in my life. I'm grateful my mom came through her procedure really well. I'm thankful for a husband who is talented and motivated (although we had a disagreement today - yep, sometimes we do, I admit it!). I love both of my kids to bits, even the overtired, screaming one and the teething, screaming one (he's asleep now.) I am glad for my good health and the way it's been improving as I've made an effort to work harder at preserving it. It's a very warm day, so I'm grateful for the hearty breeze off of Lake Michigan. I am so happy that there are friends here in my ward and in my family who make my life so much brighter - they really lift my load at the times I need it. I am grateful for friends who still love me even though I can't distinguish between a side salad and an entree. I'm also glad for friends I'm not as close to now who I love anyway, and who helped to shape me into who I am now. Above all the rest, I'm deeply grateful for a testimony of the gospel and a knowledge of the Lord's love for me. In the darkest corners of my days, His love is the only light that slips in to reassure me that difficulties stretch me and help me grow, that "this too shall pass," and then reminds me of the wonderful life that is mine. What a blessing to be here, now, with the life I've been given.

See? It works! (And Helena has stopped screaming. Bonus.)

Walk in the rain

That was me tonight. The weather here in N.M. has changed radically, literally overnight, from muggy, high 80's to cold, rainy, and mid 50's. That's the blessing/curse of living just south of Canada - we sometimes enjoy a brief Arctic blast (and I don't mean the delicious treat sold by Dairy Queen.) Anyway, I decided to just go for a walk. I've been trying to do that at night after the kids are asleep. Generally I bring along my cell phone and chat with my sister to make the time pass more quickly, but tonight I brought the iPod and listened to a podcast instead. Very effective. It's sort of neat to walk in the rain...it wasn't a steady downpour but an occasional shower.

I'm in my later 20s and I'm discovering (already) how difficult it is to watch your parents age. My dad and my stepdad both have diabetes; my mother has heart problems; both of my husband's parents have heart problems and diabetes. Partly this is because none of them (not one in the whole bunch!) has ever been "healthy" - I mean, if they wanted ice cream or a soda, they had it. Also, we know more now than they did when they were younger, and it's much harder to change habits as you age. But it's a little bit frightening: How much longer until they need assisted care? Will that mean living with us, going to a senior living community, a nursing home? How to pay for all of that? Do they have long-term care insurance (to a man, no.)? Besides the concern and worry attendant to your own parents' aging, there is the additional fear for yourself: Am I doing all I can to be alive and healthy for a long time? Are the things I'm doing now going to lead me to where my parents are? Are my genetics going to doom me to cardiac trouble and diabetes? For me, it's not so much a matter of anyone actually dying (of course, it will happen and I'd be devastated) but it's more about how each person's quality of life is so impacted by disease. Luckily, for all of them, it's fairly well managed and they're able to get the care they need. But, except for my dad, none of them are really making any lifestyle changes that require sacrifice (like changing diet or increasing exercise) and, with their family histories, I wish they would see how essential that would be to their health. Hey, I wish I would realize that.

Here's a quote my husband found that describes perfectly our spring-cleaning efforts:

'Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful." - William Morris 1880

Top TV Shows

While I'm on a blog roll (ha ha - somebody call Comedy Central), I'll put this out there, too.

There are only about three TV shows that I really enjoy. I'll watch others, but if I had to pick three, I guess these would be it. They're regular series (not one time deals) and they make me happy. Here goes:

1. "The Office" - I guess I've mentioned this one enough. It seems to have the sophistication of a fantastic movie but it's much more extended, thus more time for deeper plot and character development. Love it.

2. "Keeping Up Appearances" - This is the kind of program you'd run into on PBS really late one night and go, "Do they show ANYTHING not originally aired by the BBC?" But it's hilarious, let me tell you. That Hyacinth Bucket (that's pronounced "bouquet") is the perfect caricature of the social climber. Everyone hides when they see her coming!

3. "Passport to Europe" - Although Samantha Brown can sometimes get a little bit...tiring?...I love this program because, let's face it, it could be decades/never before my foot touches European soil. This is like traveling-by-proxy (we all know how LDS people love proxy work!) and it gives a nice view into how various cultures actually live. It's slightly nauseating, though, how she always manages to stay at the hotels that no regular, middle-class American could afford. Still, at least I get a chance to see the inside of these places. Without this program, I never would.

Honorable Mention goes to "Whose Line is it Anyway" for providing me with belly laughs. Real, tears-coming-out-of-my-eyes, gut-busting laughs. Unfortunately this show occasionally slides into crass or inappropriate jokes but not every episode.

Now I really DO have to go prepare my lesson!

My Obsession With Books

Once again, I'll attempt to make this brief. I have to teach Relief Society tomorrow, and I'm admitting to you (both of you!) that I haven't actually started preparing the lesson. But I had to get this out!

I LOVE to read. If I had to make of list of my hobbies, this would be the number one thing I do in my spare time. I started reading when I was three. The first chapter book I ever read was "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" by Roald Dahl. My mother used to show me off; have me read sections of the newspaper to prove that I was, indeed, reading, not just memorizing ("This is Charlie Bucket. He is glad to meet you" or whatever.) When I would go to school, I'd always have a couple of books in my backpack. My favorite time of the week was when our class had library. My first library card was obtained at the tender age of 4; the librarian said I could have my own card as soon as I could write my own name: "BETH," scrawled in messy caps. I recall bringing stacks of books (cheap, stupid reading like Sweet Valley High serials) to school to read during the time between when I had finished my seat work but before the next subject was begun. This caused some amazement among my elementary school teachers. At my 5th grade graduation I won a reading award and accompanying thesaurus. But to me, reading was no different than breathing, or singing, or eating. It was just what I did. During particularly difficult times in my life I was able to "read" my way through them.

I didn't get serious about reading until high school. That is, I read mostly junk until then. Like I mentioned before, it was a lot of serials and fluff (excepting "Gone With the Wind" when I was 8). There wasn't much in there worth reading. When high school began, so did seminary, and I began reading the scriptures and other religious books. I dove into classics, hoping to figure out what the big deal was. Some of them I "got," others I didn't understand until I read them again later. Then I have comfort books: books that I read when I feel sick, or lonely, or need a boost, like the "Anne of Green Gables" series. There is my "bring this book to the hospital after you have a baby" ("In a Sunburned Country" by Bill Bryson) and my "time to calm down, Beth" book (anything by Miss Read).

There are lots of other things I could do with my time that would create memories and experiences I could take with me even after I quit this life; but reading adds knowledge, philosophy, world travel, wider experience, and joy to my life in a way hardly any other hobby does. That being said...

I'm always hunting for good reads. There are gazillions of blogs and websites designed to provide you with oodles of ideas for reading. My most reliable source for a wide range of interesting, thought-provoking, and sometimes frivolous reads is www.basbleu.com. It's actually a bookseller's website. You can request a catalog to be sent to your home, or you can view the online catalog or do a search. After finding this catalog I really gave the interlibrary loan people a serious workout. Try it yourself.

One book you'll no longer find in their catalog (too bad!) but that is seriously worth your consideration is "Ada Blackjack: A True Story of Survival in the Arctic" by Jennifer Niven. It's an interesting and true story of a woman who acted as a guide to a team of men on an expedition in the Arctic and what happened to the men and to Ada, including what happened in her later years. Very riveting. (Actually, you could just read the survival story part and skip the "last years" part.)

And this Miss Read person I mentioned earlier: Not many people seem to know this author. Her books are a little slower in the plot department because they feature small English towns, where not much "plot" happens. However, her character development and scene descriptions are out of this world. They are entirely acccurate to a small town anywhere. Some people get bored reading her stuff but I enjoy it immensely. Plus, there are lots of Anglicisms that are kind of fun to try and decipher.

So, I failed at keeping this brief. But how can you be concise about something you feel passionate about? I'd like to know.

And now, off to my lesson preparations. Thanks for reading!

The Simple Dollar

Two blogs in one day? New record! (Usually I feel compelled to write long and thoughtful blogs; hence, it hardly ever happens. This will just be short.)

I found a great blog, which in turn linked me to more great blogs, about personal finance. This particular one is to be found at www.thesimpledollar.com. We've found some practical ideas to save money without having to do much, as well as some grander ideas that could really change the financial landscape at our house if we decide to adopt them. Might have some value for the (3) people that read my blog, too.

"Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths." - Michael Scott

Small Adjustment

So I read the article in Time magazine about Romney last night. It focused more on what he believed in terms of issues (because of the changes he's made in his political career regarding important issues). However, it followed with a not completely accurate article about Mormonism. Glaring error: They had a picture of the interior of the Salt Lake Tabernacle with a label, saying this was the Salt Lake Temple, where we had our semi-annual conferences. Lesson learned: If the magazine can't get a totally objective fact, like what building they're featuring pictures of, correct, then I probably shouldn't give too much credence to what they have to say.

Random and Romney

Tonight I went to my mom's, where we met together with our visiting teacher. It was a really nice message and, as usual, gave me something to consider. As I was leaving Mom handed me a Time magazine she'd finished reading. Now, I haven't read the article, so be prepared for that, but the front cover had a picture of Mitt Romney and this heading: "Sure, he looks like a President. But what does Mitt Romney really believe?" Hmmm, let's see...what does John McCain believe? What does Rudy Giuliani believe? What religion ARE these guys? Is it ever discussed? I mean, does Giuliani believe in extramarital affairs, because he had one? I'm not saying that no other Republican presidential candidate has merit, because that's not how I feel, but it irritates me to NO end (and not just because I'm LDS - Rush Limbaugh agrees with me on this one! Doesn't happen often) that the FIRST thing we have to discuss is not Romney's stand on issues or his record as governor of Massachusetts. It's Mormonism. It isn't that weird. There are more than 12 million people all over the globe who are Mormon, including lots of famous (or semi-famous) people and plenty of regular ones, like me. I think that Romney's a little bit too polished for reality, but then again, I suppose that's part of the job for a politician, so I don't hold it against him. Seriously, let's put aside the religion and focus on the man and his stand on issues. I say that for ALL of them. At least he's moral. There's no need to worry if he's going to engage in sexual acts with ANYONE in the Oval Office. That's a step up from at least one past President, right?

WOW! I am now back on my couch and off the political soapbox. Sorry I got so defensive and worked up.

I made cookies today and ate too many of them. I guess I just can't make cookies anymore. Or brownies, or cakes, or any sort of tasty food that doesn't contain large amounts of bran.

My Mom told me tonight that her cardiologist called her personally this morning at work. They didn't talk - he left a voice mail - but it freaked her out that the doctor actually called her. She called the tech who did her CT scan (she works at the hospital) and he said she had very elevated calcium in her blood vessels. We're not sure what exactly that means. She's going to call him back tomorrow and maybe we'll know more soon. It's scary. If she were to die I have no idea how I could explain that to Helena. They are so close, and she's too young to really understand death. But, I won't cross that bridge until I come to it. Also, I won't borrow trouble!

I was wondering today if I would ever "have it together." There are so many areas of my life that need improvement. Most of them are okay; some are better than okay; I have none that could be labeled perfect. Well, I've never smoked marijuana. Guess I'm perfect there. :) Do I work on all of them at once? Pick one? Tonight's visiting teaching message directed me to pick my most ultimate goals and focus entirely on them. "Keep my eye on the ball." Everything else is just fluff.

Three books on my bookshelf:

"The Millionaire Mind" by Thomas Stanley
"Hugh Nibley: A Consecrated Life" by Boyd Petersen
"O Pioneers!" by Willa Cather

"Love is having to say you're sorry every 5 minutes." - John Lennon

The Joy of The Office

In my real, actual life, I've never felt anything like the joy I feel while watching "The Office" in a real office. I've worked in a few and they were all singularly depressing, even though occasionally I did work with one or two genuinely fun people.

SO many layers to the season finale...but if you're not interested in the aforementioned television program, stop reading now and check back on my next post!

I never REALLY disliked Karen until tonight. Too often it seemed so obvious that she was trying to "mark her territory" with Jim. Anyone with a little sense could see that if you have to do that, the relationship isn't going so well. To her, the competition of the job was more important than being supportive of her boyfriend (witness her leaving to have lunch with friends while Jim sat alone, waiting to interview.) On the other side, it was nice to see Jim's caring come through - when Jan was self-destructing, Karen was reveling in it while Jim was sorry. It was like he realized that, after all and in spite of her nuttiness, Jan was a human being who'd just been crapped on. And Pam! She was so funny with the whole Dwight thing, and her note to Jim - the yogurt lid was inspired. She was just taking it for granted that Jim would get the job - being supportive in absentia - but she wanted him to remember the fun times he'd had in Scranton, before the weirdness started between them. Jim must have just realized that he could never be like the "real" Jim (in season 1 and 2) at corporate. He doesn't need the big job with the big office - he might have career "success" but it was more important to him to have friends, laughter, and a BIG lack of pretention.

That being said...everyone reading this is thinking I'm nuts! But what's so different about the writing, plot and character development of this show and, say, the writing, etc. for novels? I'm just analyzing this stuff the same way I'd analyze stuff for a book club meeting. It's all the same, right? :) And honestly - the Joy of The Office gives me energy. Just like when I read a WICKED good book, or see a kick-butt movie. ("Steel Magnolias" maybe?)

Now THAT would be a cool blog topic - all of my friends and family rating their favorite books, movies, etc.

Okay, back to my real life. This last week (Monday the 14th) was Helena's birthday. She turned 3 years old! It's incredible how fast the time goes. Everyone told me that before I had kids but my first hand testimony of this principle is strong now.
We had two parties for her (long story) and both were nice. Sometimes I watch her in the backyard, swinging on the hammock, singing to herself or running to the swing. I just can't believe she's mine. She is smart, funny, sweet, loving (especially to Hunter - "He's so cute!") and a marvelous blessing. Hunter's the same way - constantly happy, such a trooper even though he's teething and in obvious pain sometimes. We went on a hike tonight at the state park with him (Helena's at Ga-ga's) and he fell asleep. Dan and I talked about that most vague of topics: The Future. I wonder if we'll stop doing that at some point? When are you old enough not to talk about the future? We plan and think and consider and hope. It's kind of fun.

Question: How would I look with Reese-Witherspoon-in-"Sweet-Home-Alabama"-hair? Just wondering. Seems a little short? Would I have to be a zillion pounds lighter too, to complete the look? Egads.

It's fun to be still under 30 with lots of plans and dreams. I hope I still feel that way when I'm 65.

"Cash your dreams before they slip away!"

Scents of spring

The last two nights this week I went for a bike ride after the kids were in bed. It was wonderful both times (although I noticed tonight that my muscles were a little sore). The weather's been cooperating and the skies were clear. I noticed the stars more than I ever have. And my sense of smell was more acute than it ever is during the day...the flowering trees were sweet and the lilacs are blooing everywhere. It's a fantastic time to think - alone, no kids, no other distractions, just me and my brain. It's good that I've started doing this because I feel like my brain is shrinking every day that I have to watch kids' "educational television."

Of course, last night was a new episode of "The Office." Since this is the only TV show I regularly watch I kind of get into it. I was so proud of Pam, who last night made a major declaration for her own freedom and newly found confidence. It was so inspiring. Most people were excited about it because they think it opens the way for her and Jim to finally enter a romantic relationship. I was just happy that she's got herself figured out. Some days I think I have myself figured out, and other days I wonder if I have a "myself?" It really got me thinking. What do I want for myself? What is the REALLY important core that I need to develop or allow? And is it HEALTHY for me to be this involved in a television program?

I'm a little frazzled this week because it's been so outrageously busy. And it's not over yet! I have a couple of birthday parties to throw this weekend and the usual spate of weekend work to complete.

Anyway...so sorry to be just this side of boring!

"And these children that you spit on as they try to change their world are immune to your consultations - They're quite aware of what they're going through..."

Welcome Back, Soelberg

I got hung up on switching my account over to Google (I haven't blogged since OCTOBER!). Why so long? Well, I decided to have a baby in the interim (January 22, 2007, the lovely Hunter arrived!), and have no other good excuses, but hope that will suffice.

Strangely enough, I don't have any major motivation to blog tonight, either. But I was reviewing the blogs of some friends/family, and decided it was time to re-enter Blogland. Or Blog World, depending on your preference.

(Did anybody notice the reference to "Welcome Back, Kotter?" One of the best 70s TV shows - certainly one of the best theme songs.)

We've had a busy weekend. Dan built a deck (with marginal help from yours truly) and there were the usual responsibilities surrounding church and family. Still, we have a new and improved back yard to enjoy and it's all over! This week will be just as busy, with birthdays and babysitting and meetings and visiting teaching...I might have get all freaked out if I think about it too much, so on we go!

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week about Big Topics, among them polygamy, home schooling, the pros and cons of Mitt Romney as a presidential candidate, my mother's health and future health, various and sundry deep gospel topics, the completion of my BYU degree by next spring...these thoughts just roll around in my mind and keep me busy while I'm changing diapers, feeding babies, wiping bums, doing dishes, completing errands.

Does anyone but me get overcome occasionally by the desire to "do it all?" I don't mean work and raise a family...the usual "do it all"...but the desire to eat perfectly, exercise regularly, start and finish hobbies and projects, have a clean and beautiful home, play and learn with your kids, organize the closets, read 25 books at once, practice both instruments every day (so all those lessons don't go to waste) - that sort of thing? And let's not forget temple attendance, family history, returning emails, having regular "Girls' Night Out" and all the rest. Honestly, it's not as if I can even keep up with the things I HAVE to do, much less all this accessory stuff. Are there such women who really DO it all? Or does it just seem like they can?

Part of my problem is my husband. This isn't a bad thing, necessarily. He is SO hard-working and blessed with SO much talent and energy it's just not right. Seriously. It's difficult for me (always has been) because I can only do about 17% of what he does in the same amount of time. On the other hand, it's WAY fabulous to have him whip around the house and pick up the clutter in 15 minutes. I love him! Especially now, when he's sleeping away, having crashed after a whirlwind weekend of deck building, yard cleaning, web work, and helping with the kids.

I'm so blessed.