Motherhood

I don't have much to say, so I'll insert a portion of a talk I read by Teresa Santiago, given at a BYU Women's Conference, called "Get Thee Behind Me: Thwarting Latter-day Deceits." Excellent talk, especially this part:

"Satan's Deceit #5: Women's bodies are to be admired for their youth and beauty...Whenever we look in the mirror, we are reminded of what we are not. Satan would have it just that way. He would have us think that because our bodies do not look a certain, supposedly desirable, way, they are not worth having at all. Thus, we enter into a war with our bodies, hating the very tabernacle our Father has given us, despising the flesh. If Satan can get us to fixate on our bodies, either in vanity or self-loathing, then he has caused us to misunderstand completely the role our bodies play in our salvation."

"I was pregnant all one summer. I spent my time bobbing in the deep end of Deseret Towers' pool watching the women go by. I wondered why the women who had contributed the most to our society seemed to feel the least confident. Why did they cover their bodies as if in shame, disrobing only to plunge quickly down, their shoulders barely emerging above the waterline as they stood watching their children swim? Why did the freshman Deseret Towers' residents, young women who knew nothing of what breasts and hips and wombs are meant to do, rule, queens of the roost? In a better world, in a kinder, more saintly world, a mother's body would be kindly regarded, with respect and honor for what she has given, for what she has done. I am learning that a woman who mothers well gives all she has: body parts, internal organs, limbs. Some parts are temporarily donated; others, irreparably altered; most effects are permanent. And, if she lets this mothering sink into the marrow of her bones, if she allows the job of nurturing to wrestle with her spirit, a woman's soul is wrought in the image of God."

After describing the painfully premature labor and death of her third child (born with serious malformations), she says the following:

"Could I have broken my heart to the will of the Lord another way? Would I have come so heavy laden and willingly to the Savior's yoke?...I cannot help but think, as I remember those births, that this human body, also can make us most divine - that the peculiar pains of a woman's flesh teach her exquisitely, intimately. What they teach she cannot know beforehand or even know that she needs to know...Time writes its messages on all of us. Our very bodies have become our book of life, 'an account of our obedience or disobedience written in our bodies.' To what have we been obedient? To the purpose for which we were made: to provide a body and a safe haven for the spirits entrusted to our care. If we mother well, we wear out our lives bringing to pass the lives of others. Of the physical fruits - our wider hips, our sagging breasts, our flatter feet, and rounder buttocks - we need not be so ashamed."

David reminds me often that I will "be saved in my childbearing." After reading this talk, I think it means I'll finally learn - probably after a lifetime - the lesson of complete selflessness, the lesson of total forgiveness, the lesson of charity and unconditional love. Like Sister Santiago said, before I had children I didn't even know I needed to learn these things. Maybe all mothers need to be reminded of the true divinity of this calling from which we will never be released.

Thanks to all of you for being mothers I can emulate, and for giving all you have to your families.

No Regrets

Tonight I heard that a good friend's father passed away. I can't imagine what losing my parents will be like. Actually, I could start to imagine it but it's too painful so I am stopping right now. I feel like there's nothing I can do, except make cookies (which are baking as I type!) and maybe bring over some snack foods for her to put out for her out-of-town guests. The upside is I get to see her son and his family (her son's my age), who live in San Diego and aren't usually able to visit very often. I remain convinced that the way to overcome the fear of death (which is ubiquitous, no matter what you say) is to live a life with no regrets. Could someone tell me how that's done? :)

Also, today Hunter is 7 months old. It's hard to believe it's gone by so fast. I worry about my little guy, though, because although he's been taking Zantac for about two weeks, he threw up an INCREDIBLE amount of, well, stuff today. About 1/2 a cup, which is all his poor tummy can hold, I'm sure. He has a dr. appt. Friday and maybe he won't have to go through too many horrible tests. He's just pure joy, that sweet boy - his smile could melt a thousand hearts. He has his little games and conversations and always, that beautiful grin.

A wicked storm blew through N.M. tonight. Lots of thunder and lightning, rain coming down in sheets, hurricane wind (thank goodness we don't have hurricanes here!). Of course, Helena was terrified. (She comes by it honestly...my great-grandmother used to hide under the covers with a bottle of Scotch during thunderstorms.) But she pretended to be excited, like her Daddy, and tried (bless her heart!) to be brave. It WAS really loud and startling, and the power cut off for a minute. Sometimes I think Helena's intelligence has grown faster than her emotions, and I have to remind myself she's just three, after all. This morning we (myself and the kids) took a bike ride, with Helena riding her industrial-strength tricycle, and we rode a LONG ways - half a mile? three-quarters? - and she didn't complain a bit. The only thing is, I had to go REALLY slow. Like, dead turtle slow. The kids were happy, and so was I.

Oh, and big thrill for me - our garden has some ginormous tomatoes on it, and big fat green peppers that look "grocery store" good. (Not Aldi's - their produce is terrifying.) I can't believe it. Must be that Square Foot Gardening!

"Death is no more than passing from one room to another. But there's a difference for me, you know. Because in that other room I shall be able to see." - Helen Keller

Smoke and Mirrors

Today I had a list of things to do. I got about half of them done. All things considered, that's not so bad, especially as I had Aidan over this afternoon until about 7pm and Dan didn't get home until 8pm. The really urgent stuff is done and the rest of the list will just have to be pushed out until tomorrow.

Dan and I had a budget talk this weekend. Happily, it turns out we can actually live on less than we make if we're responsible. It's funny, but Dave Ramsey's right when he says "Once you do a budget, you'll feel like you're getting a raise."

I wanted to blog tonight about my 10 year class reunion. It was this past Saturday evening at Hobo's Tavern here in Muskegon. I went shopping and purchased some new clothes - ones that I actually like and would wear, nothing contrived - and we packed the kids up and sent them to Ga-ga's. This was Hunter's first time staying at Ga-ga's, and he was a little fussy, sadly. Still, she might take him again. :)

Anyway, I saw some of my classmates - probably about 20 out of the 48 people I graduated with - and heard about what most of the rest were up to. I caught up with a few of the ones I was closest to, and Dan was able to talk with his friend Matt, who he used to work with and who I (obviously) graduated with. We shared a few memories as a group. All in all, it was a fun evening.

I was really surprised by two things: First, I was really comfortable. I didn't feel unattractive or pudgy, didn't "try too hard" to make conversation, I was outgoing and talked to almost everyone (I was like that in H.S. too), and didn't feel uncomfortable at all. I mention that because in H.S. I was always questioning myself, until about my senior year when I finally said "to heck with it" and was just the friendliest, happiest person and didn't care what others thought of me. I was only concerned with doing what I should be and becoming what I should be. (I've almost reverted back to the self-conscious me, really).

Second, and this was absolutely astonishing, I was SHOCKED by how many people were SMOKING! I expected the drinking, you know, as we were at a bar and it was the #1 activity in H.S. But geez, I had no idea so many people were smokers. This included parents, professionals, VERY intelligent people with successful careers and great education, blah blah blah. But they weren't smart enough to realize that smoking is one of the worst things you can do to your body. My friend Jen and I speculated that maybe they were just social smokers - you know, people who only smoke when they go out to bars and drink. I don't know how common that is (it doesn't come up in my LDS circles.) So, I was disgusted at that. Moreover, it started to make me nauseous and I had to wash my hair 4 separate times to get the stank out. My clothes had to be washed twice with every kind of laundry additive I had available. It very much changed my opinion of everybody, not in a judgemental way, just in an amazed "are you kidding?" way.

One other thing I wanted to post was the Big News (for the N.M. ward people, anyway): Sharon Wilson and Jason Gifford are engaged! I'm so happy for them I could burst. I used to BABYSIT Sharon, for crying out loud! And I've been pulling for Jason ever since he joined the church. They both strike me as determined, focused people, but it's so SWEET to see how much they love each other. Why did Jason decide to ask her yesterday? Because when he went to the temple he felt inspired that THIS was the girl, THIS was the time. Dan and I both just want the best for those two. They deserve it. It kind of reminds me of when Dan and I were engaged. Good times, good times. (I did suggest that he "re-do" his proposal, maybe around our 10th anniversary, b/c it ended up being a little...different than he planned. Also, a surprise 2nd honeymoon to WDW wouldn't be out of order, I'm sure.)

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney

Families Are Forever

As I've said before, this blog primarily acts as a surrogate journal for me, so I apologize in advance for the writings contained within if they sometimes seem pointless, confusing, or irrelevant. Reading my friends' blogs has inspired me to write about one of my favorite topics: Family.

The extended family that I am most familiar with is my mother's side. My dad's family lived mostly in Utah, Idaho, and Washington, and my mother's family lived in Michigan, Chicago, and one branch in Utah, so I was much closer to them. My mom's brother, Doug, married after his mission and he and his wife moved to UT to raise their family. Doug's always been one of my favorite uncles, and he's tried to visit here as much as possible on a somewhat limited income. His past few visits have been sad ones, associated with funerals of his mother and brother, but always welcome. It was especially fun to have he and Tricia visit with the kids - my "Utah cousins." Sometimes, just one of the cousins would come out for a summer when I was a kid and stay with Grandma for a month or two. Well, since Grandma's not here anymore, Stacie, my youngest Utah cousin (who's about 5 years younger than me) came out to visit for this past week and stayed with Aunt Christina.

Stace and I have always been really good friends. She is funny, easygoing, open, and is generous enough to say that any activity we can think of for her is fantastic. While she was here we went to the beach a couple of times (with the aunts, kids, etc.) and had some whole-family cook-outs. But the BEST visits we had were our VERY late-night walks. I drove over to Christina's after the kids were in bed, and we walked the neighborhood till 1 or 2 in the morning. (Thank goodness N.M. is safe.) We shared all the "family secrets" from both sides, talked about marriage and kids (she's still single), jobs, goals, church, gospel topics, and agreed that Lake Michigan is the best place to be on earth.

There's something about family, isn't there? Something that makes friendships that are so deep and lasting, even between two people (like Stace and I) who really don't see each other much, or communicate regularly. I wish I could know all of my family, even the extra-extended parts, more often. After all, we all only have a limited amount of time on this earth and I have so many cousins, if I don't get started now, I'll lose the opportunity (at least for now).

"I don't care how poor a man is, if he's got family, he's rich."

My beautiful children

Helena: She's starting to grow up. In particular, she's starting to have a life of her own, independent of me. For example, she spends every Friday night at Ga-ga's, and they do all kinds of things together. Also, tonight she and Dan are camping out in a tent in our backyard. She's so excited I'll be surprised if she ever sleeps! (He's such a wonderful dad, by the way. My cousin Stacie's here visiting and she told me he was the sweetest dad she'd ever seen.) She has an imagination, and an imaginary world, and I'm afraid of that time in the not-too-distant future when I'll be a tangential part of her existence and her friends will be everything. But she's absolutely the best: smart, funny, beautiful, happy, and becoming easier to "reason" with every day. I love her so much.

Hunter: He's so good-natured, but lately has become more fussy, either because he's teething or due to his newly-diagnosed acid reflux. I'm a bit scared of that. I took him to the doctor because he spits up every single time he eats, and sometimes it's a huge amount. It doesn't seem to hurt him but he'd lost 10 ounces since his last visit 10 days before. That isn't right. Tomorrow I think I'll ask Dan to give him a blessing. I know this is pretty common and everything but I still worry about him. He has the funniest way of playing games. My favorite is the one where he pulls my face in and puts my nose squarely in his mouth, then he oohs and ahhs around it. That baby melts my heart, I'll tell you what. I love him so much.

I was thinking about the Duggar family today, the one with 16 kids? And I thought, "Man, doesn't that overwhelm the mom completely? And what does she feel when a new baby comes along?" I realized that although her life might be chaotic she ALWAYS has more love in her heart for more kids. In the "baby afterglow" days, shortly after both Helena and Hunter's births, I wished I could have 10 more. My sanity wouldn't support it very well but I would have plenty of love for them.

Other news: Our Square Foot Garden has about 30 tomatoes growing in it (what will I do with them? Do I have to learn how to can?); Dan's almost done with the Well of Doom; I am happier every day that we get closer to our Disney World trip; I love Lake Michigan; I'm so glad that Jason Gifford is home and that he and Sharon came over to visit the other day; "The Johnstown Flood" by David McCullough is an excellent book.

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer and wish we didn't." - Erica Jong

A Fabulous Sunday

We made reservations today for our February 2008 trip. What words are there to describe how happy I am? Why even try? Imagine your happiest past memory...it's that feeling. And I'm not even there yet.

Today was a GOOD day at church (I posted not too long ago about one of those not-so-good Sundays). My heart was full to bursting, not because I wasn't busy or didn't have a million things to do. I think I just decided it would be a good day, and the Lord made up the difference. We didn't have many people there today but that most important of all, the Spirit, was there and that was enough.

I had some unexpected and very lovely gifts for Hunter (one from my great-aunt Lucille, the other from my third cousin once removed, Joan, in England) that I have yet to write thank-you notes for. I plan on writing letters, actually, and asking questions and getting some genealogical information from them while simultaneously expressing my gratitude for some snazzy clothes for H.D.L.

I received a couple of insights (inspirations?) at church today. First, I realized that living gospel principles makes life easier in a simple, but miraculous way. Two examples:

1. Paying tithing. Even if your income doesn't change, once you start paying tithing, your budget magically works and there's enough to go around. Much different from when you don't pay tithing and you never seem to be able to meet your needs.
2. Prayer, scripture study, feeling the Lord's love daily: I didn't have a simple name for this. But it's that gospel living that, when done every day, seems to make your time stretch to allow you to fulfill all of your duties, makes you more cheery, seems to help your kids be better-behaved and more loveable, inspires you to be more of service (and gives you the time to do it!). Again, much different from when we ignore that part of our lives and then proceed to stumble through our days, busy but never getting anything done and feeling more and more selfish with ourselves and our time.
3. An investigator visiting our ward today (for the second time) said that she learned that love isn't worth much until you give it away. Love IS a verb.

Last week? Or the week before? I went to dinner with a couple of friends. Food was fantastic, I recommend the Hearthstone to all of my Muskegon County friends. Anyway, our server received a nice, healthy tip from yours truly because he proclaimed The Smiths to be the Best Band to Come Out of the Eighties. Their music was beautiful; I just wish it was a little more uplifting. It tends to be a bit on the depressing side. "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want" is just lovely.

"As Dumbledore explains, the real master of Death accepts that he must die, and that there are much worse things in the land of the living." - J.K. Rowling

One of those Oprah Moments

I had an Ah-Ha! moment today. I realized...drumroll...that I am an Emotional Eater. But I also don't believe in Labels. I mean, aren't emotions tied into everyone's eating? Some people eat more when they're upset or stressed, some people stop eating...I wish I were category 2, but hey. I read an interesting statistic (care of my new Chiropractor): The state ranked number 1 for deaths from cardiovascular disease is Washington, D.C. (not strictly a state). The state ranked lowest in that same category? Hawaii. Don't tell me heart disease doesn't come from stress. Hawaiians eat roasted pigs and spam and stuff, right, so it isn't all because of a poi-based diet.

The last couple of weeks have been outrageously, uncomfortably busy for me. The hardest part about them was the recent move of a good friend. She and her family are moving because of a great job opportunity for her husband, and I know they'll be really happy, but it's still saddening to me. I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed with my new church calling, which requires a lot of travel and thus lots of time away from my family. My grandparents served in multiple callings in the old Great Lakes Mission and Lansing Stake, and they did a lot more driving than I ever will! I'm not really complaining - but it feels like some days Dan and I are just "tag-teaming" our kids and not spending time as a family together.

Today it is, let us say, 300 degrees outside. I am afraid to leave the house lest I turn into a Beth Puddle. Once again I sing the praises of whatever unsung hero invented air conditioning. I would rate it above television, chocolate-covered pretzels, and the artificial heart in terms of everyday usefulness. (That list would change dramatically if I lived in Washington, D.C.).

Here's a little zinger for you to consider (you've heard it before): We are not human beings have spiritual experiences, we are spiritual beings having human experiences.