Love at Home

I am a bit of a homebody. Given the choice, I'd just usually rather be at home (of course, occasionally I'm crawling to get away!). I have a friend (Tammy) who has a really nifty organization system she uses for the many parts of her busy-mom life, including her home.

We moved into our house about 1 1/2 years ago. In some ways, it still feels like we're not quite moved in. The boxes are unpacked and all, but there are little things that bug me; for example, when we moved in we just stuffed things into the kitchen cupboards and I'm realizing that everything isn't where I really want it. Also, and this may just be a function of having kids, but I feel like our house is in a constant state of disorder. Ever since I was a kid I've left a "trail" behind me, so it's not as though I'm naturally a neatnik (which is too bad for Dan, because he is).

When our home is in order, which hasn't happened since Hunter was born, it feels beautiful and peaceful and...still. It's best features can shine through. The sun soaks through in the afternoon and washes the house in light. I can go about my usual stuff and know, secretly, that my linen closet is in perfect order, and that a stranger could come over and find any pertinent item with ease. The kids would have just enough toys and the parts of each one would be together (as opposed to now, where they're spread over the upstairs, downstairs, basement, and occasionally, the van.).

There's something cathartic about cleaning. This is my point. My mom used to say this. I'd ask her why in the world she'd spend her Saturday on picking up the house, vacuuming, doing yard work, whatever, and she'd say, "I don't exactly like doing it, but I do like the result." Dan and I have worked together to clean up the basement before, and we have revelations, and conversations, and a tidy basement to boot.

I'm taking the longest route ever to tell you this: I found this website, www.flylady.net, that can take someone like me and give me a system that isn't obsessive but promises to leave your house at least acceptable for unexpected company. (You know that feeling: I have spit-up on my shoulder from 3 hours ago, I nearly broke something tripping over that toy vacuum, and there are crushed Cheerios over every horizontal surface and WHO IS AT THE DOOR?). It's wonderful. Actually, I relied on it last year to help me get ready for the holidays, with at least some success.

Rest assured I am NOT writing this post for anyone but me. It isn't like I wasn't raised to keep a clean house - think hospital, museum, etc. - but I realize the value of it without being able to get it that way.

Hurry, Hurry!

Hunter just went to sleep. Aidan went home with Andrea. Helena's out with Aunt Christina. Dan's putting his work stuff away in the basement.

Now's my chance to BLOG!

Okay, okay, don't get all worked up. It has to be short.

Today has been an exhausting day, right down to my weary bones. As a youngster, I used to think having a house full of kids would be bliss beyond compare. At this point I'm seriously reconsidering this! Do parents of many children have some kind of energy pill I can't access?

I was tagged, like, 3 weeks ago, and have I done anything about it? Absofruitly not. But I've been thinking about it. I am going to give 6 things about myself that aren't things I like, or things I do, or things I want. I'll describe things I AM, right now.

1. I am curious. There is NEVER enough knowledge in the world for me. I've been downloading random podcasts to learn more about everything, from "NOVA" to BYU's Kennedy Center Lectures. Being curious is good, but when I'm really entranced in a book or something I have to force myself to return to the reality at hand.

2. I am too self-aware. Or self-conscious. Don't know which is a better descriptive term. But what I mean is, I'm too concerned with how I look, or what I said, or whatever. I'm more cautious now in my relationships that I used to be. I'm not exactly sure why this is. Seems like I had confidence to spare in high school (maybe I was just a snotty and obnoxious teenager. Sorry to all of those reading this who put up with me then as now!).

3. I am more creative and capable than I let on. Now, I'm not tooting my own horn here (I'm a violinist and pianist, no horns for me!), but I've discovered since I had kids that I have these resources WAY on down inside of me that come out at the most fortunate times. I can remember the words to complete songs to entertain the kids. Or I make up a song. I can think of activities to do for our Friends Preschool that actually make sense. I can create my own recipes (not that I usually feel like it.). I really can cook, no matter how much I joke about my inadequacies in that department. But I wish I had more of a handle on the "homemaking arts" like sewing, knitting, canning, decorating, etc. Thanks to Holly's recent Halloween efforts I know it's not too late!

4. I have a cheerful nature. Of course, now I have more to bog me down (as Dan puts it) because I have more responsibility, but fundamentally, still there. I am also compassionate and really pretty soft-hearted behind the wall of humor and stoicism. I want to get rich someday but not to live in one of those disgustingly hugh McMansions and wear flip-flops with rhinestones...more money means I can help the people I love and the people who actually need it. (To someone reading this in Kenya I already live in a McMansion, and hey, at least I have shoes!).

5. I have learned how to take on and fulfill responsibilities. I think dependability is one of the greatest characteristics of God. I've also learned how to ask for help (at least occasionally) and decline with grace (once in a while.). I am not perfect in this area yet, clearly.

6. I have high expectations of myself. This is both good and bad, obviously. While it inspires me to be better it also creates guilt when I fall short. Also, it translates into having higher expectations for other people. On the other hand, I can understand and accept that, both for me and for others, we have the person we ARE and then person we want to BE and they're rarely one and the same.

Thanks to Caity for tagging me. This was a good chance to think about myself, my favorite thing in the whole world to do! (Just kidding.).

I have one other thing to say: There are a few principles in life that will lead to righteous living. But the great thing is, there are an infinite number of practices that support those principles. Here's a good example: Families. Some people have 4 kids in rapid succession. Some people have 4 kids spread over 20 years. Doesn't matter - each family did what worked best, and all of them "multiplied and replenished the earth." They all lived the principle but practiced the gospel in a different way. Neat, huh?

I noticed tonight that Helena knows a lot of songs. We were driving in the car, listening to a song (by Queen), and she said, "Will you turn it up?" A minute later I hear, "Oh how I want to break freeee" coming from the backseat. And Hunter, who gets more adorable by the second, has started to say "Maaamaaa" when he's upset and giggle whenever I put the phone up to his ear. In fact, he's giggling a lot. It's an awfully cute giggle.

If You Love "The Office"

I think it's pretty obvious that I DO love "The Office," and I'm not ashamed to declare my feelings for a fictional television mockumentary.

If you love "The Office" too, sign this petition supporting the Writers' Guild of America. They are on strike, trying to achieve just and fair compensation for "new media," like the internet, Itunes, etc. The long and short of it is, they have stopped filming the show and will not continue for the duration of the strike. I don't know how much our signatures will make any difference but it can't hurt.

click here

Fall Fun

This year's Halloween was busy! Helena was a firefighter, Aidan (my nephew) was Elmo, and Hunter was a monkey. We had fun carving pumpkins (well, Dan carved them, let's be honest here) and went trick-or-treating twice: once at my mom's office, cubicle to cubicle, and then around the neighborhood and to our family's homes later on. Actually, Helena refused to trick-or-treat in our neighborhood because our across-the-street neighbor is entirely lacking in good sense and has an absolutely TERRIFYING Halloween display. It's loud, it's dark, it features a scary mask and strobe lights. Everybody was scared of him.

But this fall we've had lots of fun just being outside, too, in the leaves mostly. I had Tanner and Aidan over (along with Hunter) while Helena was at Caity's for preschool, and they had a blast. Then Saturday we were all outside, either raking leaves (me) or jumping in them (everybody else.) I think that sort of weather is gone. Today we had snow, rain, hail, and more or less constant wind at various times. In a way it's kind of exciting: time for sweaters, gloves, hot chocolate, blankets, and figuring out how to skimp on that home heating bill! This morning our power even went out. It was timely, in a way, because we'd just had a family home evening last night about Emergency Preparedness. Although the power went out at about 9am, and it was already light out, Helena's reaction was to tear downstairs and find a flashlight immediately. "Come on, Mom, we have to get the candles!" Maybe something sunk in last night!

Happy Halloween!

I don't have any deep thoughts to share BUT I have some pictures! As good, or better.

That "Autumnal Air"

I went for a walk tonight. It was much-needed, and very fulfilling. Some of my friends have blogged recently about fall, and the after-effects of a big storm (with accompanying loss of electricity); my post tonight will have a few of the same thoughts.

I have a fairly sensitive sense of smell (call the Department of Redundancy Department!), and I noticed right away my two favorite fall scents: crushed acrons and cozy fireplace smoke. I used to think that spring was my favorite time of year, but fall runs a close second. Last night there was a vicious wind (invigorating in its own way), but tonight was very calm and mild, without any tang of winter air or crispness to it. I ended up taking off my jacket about 10 minutes into it. The whole experience was unaccountably peaceful. Right around the corner from my house is a street that feels like it just grew there. I can imagine what it was like before the houses were built, but I think it's improved now: it still gives you the sense that you're in the middle of a forest, but there are lives being lived quietly among the trees and lake. Just lovely. I ended up walking for 45 minutes under a half moon and all of the bright stars that go with it, and it was completely perfect. (Incidentally, I love walking at night. It's dark, so you don't get hot from the sunshine, and everybody has the lights on inside their homes and you can see everything: light fixtures, decorations, what TV shows are on. Luckily, nothing creepy yet!)

On Thursday night, I finally went to see "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix," at the "dollar theatre" that only charges $2.50 for a seat. This is priced right, because the seat you get will present a challenge if you are larger than, say, a 10-year-old who's been rather underfed. The $2.50 per seat price is made up for by the hugely expense concessions. My dinner that night was a medium soda and popcorn for $7.50. What? Anyway, the movie was completely and utterly fantastic (but if I hadn't read the book a few times, it might have confused me.). I was by myself and so I didn't have to answer questions from Dan, like "why is here there?" and "what's going on?" It's not like he's generally oblivious, he's just never read the books and the movies have to cram more and more stuff into the same amount of time, so it doesn't hurt to have a little help. I called home as I was leaving the theater and Dan told me the electricity was out. This was bad, because "The Office" was coming on and we couldn't record it. (Episodes are now available to watch online, free.). Additionally, the power had gone out just as Helena was making use of the potty. (He went to get a flashlight while she remained, in the dark, on the can.). This was all kind of an adventure, till the next morning when I was bathing by candlelight and planning what to get out of the fridge so I wouldn't open the door too much. I took the kids out for a walk - well, Helena rode her bike - and Fireman Steve from our local dept. was trolling around town in his fire truck. Helena put her fingers in her ears - she's learned that at parades, those suckers are loud - and Steve asked us how we were doing, if we had everything we needed, etc. It was just nice - really nice - to have him stop and talk with us. He flashed the lights for Helena but didn't blast the horn or anything, told us the power should be on around 1pm, and drove on.

After the whole thing was over, I realized that I am not prepared for any emergencies at all whatsoever. Also, I noticed that I have interior lights on during the day way too much. We have enough windows that if I just open the blinds or curtains all the way, even on a cloudy day we have enough light. I discovered that I need to get the laundry done immediately, always, particularly when it comes to towels and underwear. AND, I was glad that we still had water and gas power. After spending so much time watching "1900s House" and the like, and marveling over the deprivation that went on there, I see that for generations of time, having no electricity or limited resources was the order of the day. We're so fortunate. Unbelieveably so. I mean, Dan spends a lot of time figuring out shelving to store our stuff...because we have more than enough. Clearly, we need more of the RIGHT stuff for emergencies.

Whew! I'm exhausted all over again. That was a wicked long post. Sorry.

Oh, and Big Fat Revelation inserted here: I am focusing too much on the wrong things in life. The thing to focus on is not exercise, or "me" time and the lack of it, or housekeeping, or whatever - the thing to focus on is the Lord. EVERYTHING else comes from that. Isn't it so simple?

My First Day of Seminary

I had to share this! I remembered it while writing my previous post and almost fell out of my desk chair.

On my first day of early-morning seminary, my friend Tom (who I later learned was gay - go figure!) picked me up to give me a ride to the Atkisson's house, where our class was held. Everyone in the car was exhausted. Luckily, Tom's car had a few things to help us wake up: no muffler, one window that stubbornly refused to go up OR down, creating a lovely wind tunnel, and a stereo that could blast Dolly Parton's famous "9 to 5" at top volume. I'm not saying it brought the spirit into that nasty old 1970's Detroit beast, but it was invigorating.

I could really go on with the seminary memories: Me vomiting in my teacher's van, Jake Viraldo smashing pineapple muffins into the driveway, Mike throwing a book at Jake's head, "good-morning hugs," me breaking the glass on Tom's front door...

But that's good fodder for other posts!

Salvation Through Music

I don't literally believe that I will receive salvation in an ultimate sense from music. Just wanted to make that clear.

However, on a more earthly, temporal level, it seems like music is sometimes the only thing that keeps me from a long-term stay at Northwoods (the local mental hospital. Incidentally, I've been there several times to visit a friend, and it's a pretty creepy place. Also badly in need of redecoration, particularly in the "lock-down" unit. Let's get some more stylish seat-free toilets!).

The reason I'm blogging tonight is because I feel guilty. Everybody's blogs that I read regularly have been updated (some with pictures! Snazzy!) and mine has been sitting here for who KNOWS how long. Since I have nothing of any interest or importance to say, and no new pictures to post (have to get them off of the camera, I guess) I'll just post the names of some good DVDs I've gotten from the library lately. Check them out!

1900 House
1940s House
Manor House (as you surmised, these are all from the same series. They are very absorbing - reality tv for PBS fans)
Jonestown (CREEPY! Don't watch it, Caity!)
China From the Inside
The Living Weapon (American Experience series)

Also, don't miss "The Hudsucker Proxy." You'll be sorry! And if you haven't seen "Steel Magnolias" yet, well, I think that's just un-American.

I'm off to bed. Deep down I'm a night person but the kids (read: Hunter) are forcing me to be an "early-morning" person. I did early-morning seminary for four years...what happened?

"The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize!"

Negative Nellie!

Seems like all of my posts lately have been negative, which doesn't really reflect my state of mind. I received some wonderful counsel from Heavenly Father this weekend, including but also independent of General Conference, and the weather has FINALLY turned to autumn, which thrills me to no end. Plus, I have a kind and generous family who are always willing to help (thanks Caity, Christina, David, Andrea, Mom, Dan!).

But today was kind of bad. Not all bad, just parts. Helena's really suffering from having Aidan here. Most of it is subconscious, I think, but it's a combination of regression and anger that she doesn't really understand. On top of that, she's been stammering more, I think as a result of the increased stress around here. Now, it's only been a week and a half since our new schedule's set in, but of course I'm worried and impatient and compulsive about everything. However, she has been helpful, sweet, and loving at the same time. Example: This morning Hunter tried to eat a bouncy ball (the kind you buy for a quarter from the machines at the grocery store.). Helena came running to me: "Hunter's trying to eat that ball!" I scooped it out of his mouth and thanked Helena for (more or less) saving his life. She patted me on the shoulder and said, "I'm your big helper, Mom." Indeed! (Then we did a big childproofing cleanup.)

I have a plan for what to do (thanks to prayer!) but wish I could feel calm emotionally and mentally about everything. My mom said my grandma dealt with regression (upon the birth of a new sibling, or when Grandma's parents moved in with them) by just ignoring it, and it went away. Unfortunately, now you feel like a jerk if you don't get super-early intervention for everything!

Anyway - send me some love, everybody! Who doesn't need it?

And in the middle of all of this, I feel like my problems are dwarfed by the problems my good friend is dealing with. Now that is someone who truly needs prayer.

Here's a line from an Alison Krauss song that has nothing to do with anything, but I think it's beautifully descriptive:
"We'll rise above the scarlet tide that trickles down from the mountain and separates the widow from the bride."

On the Up Side...

Two pictures that I love of two people I love most:

Prayer

I've noticed that I've been asking a lot of questions from my Loyal Readership on this blog (which is also my personal journal...go figure, I guess my life has no secrets!). I have a problem - a not small one, but still not something I want to hash out on this blog - and I want to pray about it. I have already prayed about it in the past. The trouble is, everything you read says you should try to figure it out "in your mind and in your heart" before you go to the Lord. Do I have to have it figured out, then ask Heavenly Father if I'm on the right track? Because my problem is SO not figured out. I've got no idea what to do about it.

So do I just pray anyway? And just keep praying until I get some inspiration? HELP!

Also, things have been pretty hectic with having three kids, but truthfully it's my own (Helena) that's the hardest. She's obstinate about things and starting to regress, doing lots of things just for the attention, good or bad. Oh dear. I keep saying "it's just an adjustment period" but I'd like to have a date for when the adjustment will be complete! Bless her, she has so many good qualitities, but I feel myself focusing on the bad.

Dan has this quote on a post-it note on his computer screen: "Be the change you want to be." - Gandhi

Good advice.

Oh, My Aching Head

Nice title. Oh well - my creativity level is somewhere in the 0th percentile.

Sorry to be sort of a downer, but I'm having a terrible night. I'm not feeling well (headache and nausea), obviously up too late, worried and stressed about some upcoming stuff. Still, I think that I have a lot to be grateful for, and although I've done this little exercise before, I'm going to go through it again, in list form.

What I'm So Grateful For:

Our new mattress/bed
Hunter's good nature
Helena's occasional willingness to help and constant concern for me
Dan's efforts at being understanding and his success at bringing calmness to my brain
The DIS Unplugged Podcast
My blogging friends
Washer/dryer
"The Office"
The ability to play the piano
The gospel...the gospel...the gospel (how does anyone function without this most important component?)
Pithy insights and revelations about the small stuff
My grandparents (who will soon get a big, fat, post of their own), who are preparing my mobile home in heaven!
Music

Now I'm off to sleep...and here's the song running through my head:

"Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away!"

What's your favorite Cheap Trick song?

Port Orleans Riverside

I'm borrowing some pictures I found on a Disney-devoted site (and if you think I'm nuts, you should check out THESE people!). They are of the resort that we'll be staying at on our next trip to The World. It's a beautiful place, and you know what? I could really care less that it's not "real." It's themed around the Old South - both the genteel plantations and the Louisiana bayou. The best part about this is that it doesn't include some of the features the "real" versions of these places have, like alligators, enormous insects, slightly crazy Cajuns (just kidding, just kidding!). I'm not going to rant about why WDW is so important to me, because I've done it before on this blog, but maybe a few pictures will help my Loyal Following see that it is, at least, really beautiful.

Not Enough Words

I love my children. Who knew I would ever have a little girl and little boy who were so wonderful? I never expected to be cheering my 3 year old daughter on as she wrapped up her 100-piece Strawberry Shortcake puzzle, congratulating her on writing her first "N," almost crying when she says "Mom, I love you." I didn't think I'd ever actually try to hit the one-million-kisses mark with my baby boy, or be so charmed by his constant, gummy smiles, or "waste" 20 minutes watching him sleep. I had no idea that any earthly thing could make me so happy, it could just break my heart, but my kids do it every day. Don't get me wrong - sometimes it's hard, sometimes they push me to my Patience Limit, but it lasts for a few minutes and I'm back to Dorkdom. So, dear reader (is anyone reading this???), exercise forgiveness when I brag about them or act like they're the best and only kids on earth. It's just brief and momentary insanity that, hopefully, will last just a bit longer.

Squinting

That's a one-word description of what I'm doing right now. Dan took away the 22-inch monitor I used to use with this laptop (for work purposes) and I am now squinting at a 15 inch?? laptop monitor. Let's take a moment to be grateful for a nice laptop.

I'm going to attempt, once again, to add pictures to my blog. I'm not that technologically adept (yeah, big surprise, I know!). Big Dan just bought a new digital camera, bringing us into the new millenium. We're excited to get it in the mail next week. Maybe soon I'll have some GOOD pictures! In the meantime, here are some sweet ones of a little photo session we tried to get in with Helena and Hunter. Also featured is an (almost indecent) photo of Hunter bathing in his favorite place - the deep side of the kitchen sink.

Reality TV and Me

I am admitting it now...apparently, I am a Reality TV fan. I watch "The Biggest Loser," "Survivorman," "Lockup," you name it. I don't actually schedule my life around these programs but I eat them up when they're on. (Right now I'm blogging while watching "Lockup." Actually, a guy just made an excellent point: "In here, you're forced to be still and think about what you want the rest of your life to look like." In a way, it would be nice for all of us to have that. But not in jail.)

I've mentioned this blog before but I'm going to put a link here, because it's been entertaining and occasionally valuable to me. It's called The Simple Dollar, written by a youngish guy, married with two young kids and living in Iowa. It includes great articles and links to other useful personal finance blogs.

http://www.thesimpledollar.com/

Hope that works.

I also have to ask a big, fat, personal question of the Blogosphere. Answer as you wish, or ignore it completely! You choose.

How do you clothe your kids? I'm wondering how everybody affords this. If I dressed my kids in whatever I liked, wherever I wanted to shop, we'd be broke and in debt. I shop good consignment stores, sales, etc. Because Helena's grown so fast, we've bought 6 years worth of clothes in 3 years (she wears a 6 or 6X). It's expensive! I think if I were REALLY diligent I could get more at yard sales but I don't have the time for it, and now it's past that season. SO, any tips would be appreciated.

"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."

Fat March

My blog has become a confessional. It's like being on "Real World" without anyone watching!

I love "Fat March." I came into this ABC reality show about 3 weeks after it started but I caught up with the free online episodes. I can't IMAGINE walking so many miles. I wonder what it would be like to do something like that...I've been walking a lot lately, under the guise of "training" for WDW (where the average person walks between 5 and 7 miles a day.) It's motivating, don't get me wrong, but the Fat March people get HARD CASH for walking. I really admire them all (well, those who didn't get voted off and are still walking) for pushing themselves so far.

Tonight I went grocery shopping. Dan and I have decided to try the cash "envelope system" to have more control over our money. I busted it all out - returned the pop cans, etc. I was a serious Domestic Diva today. Countless loads of laundry, a nice long walk (in the rain!), baked two loaves of bread (thank you, bread machine), played with the kids, did puzzles with Helena, warmed up those leftovers (okay, not so impressive). Too bad every day isn't so fantabulous.

Does anybody have a treadmill? How much did it cost (personal but necessary question)? What brand/model would you recommend? Once the bad weather comes I'd still like to be able to walk without bad weather preventing me. To me this would be a better way to spend money (rather than a gym membership) because I could do it any time, any day, without packing up the kids, having to "look good," etc. Listening to my Disney podcast, I will walk forever! (It is so stupid that THAT is what motivates me!)

One last thought: Today I ran the water from the tap until it was hot, then washed my hands with my nicely scented anti-bacterial soap, and thought "What a CUSHY, blessed life I live!" It's crazy that we have too much food, nice chairs and couches to sit in, deluxe beds to sleep on, instant contact to our friends and community through excellent communications systems (including the internet), instant access to information, a beautiful place to live, the gospel truths, a much-loved family. It's funny how those little experiences bring gratitude bubbles to my mind.

Whew!

Glad I read that last post again...it's been a bit of a hard day for me, I'm not going to lie. Luckily I got in touch with a long-lost friend who brightened it considerably. Georgia has been my friend since about 1998. She joined the LDS Church and was a great friend of mine. Six years ago she had two beautiful twin boys, and about 1 1/2 years ago she moved away. She now lives in Arizona and is, to my benefit, happy to spend hours on the telephone acting as Psychologist for me. I really miss her. We had a blast together. I don't think I'll ever have so many friends that I can forget about them.

Tomorrow is Labor Day. I'm not exactly sure what this holiday celebrates - the fact that America's working population toils tirelessly to support their families and grow our economy? - but I hereby dedicate it to every woman who has ever endured labor. As in, pregnancy and birth labor. This is what we should REALLY have a holiday for. Mother's Day is really to honor the mothering portion of a woman's life. Labor Day is JUST for the labor, the pain, the screaming, the "holy-crap-am-I-dying" feeling that you ladies out there can relate to. We deserve at least two days for multiplying and replenishing the earth, and I'm not opposed to adding a "Breastfeeding Day" or a "Single-Moms" day. This is, naturally, in addition to our birthdays, when we should be brought flowers and chocolates, and have our little children whisked away to happy places they love while we gorge on unhealthy foods and watch movies like "Beaches" and "Steel Magnolias," "Pillow Talk" and "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood."

Because I have nothing better to post I will list a few things on my iPod I've been listening to recently:

The DIS Unplugged Podcast
Classic BYU Speeches
Ben Folds - Songs For Silverman
Tiny Dancer - Elton John
Science Fiction and the Gospel - Hugh Nibley
Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) - MIKA
Mr. Wendal - Arrested Development (random!)
This Woman's Work - Kate Bush
Dear Someone - Gillian Welch
Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
Take Me Home - Phil Collins
In This Heart - Sinead O'Connor

So, I'm not a music snob, I guess (what self-respecting music snob listens to Phil Collins, for crying out loud) but there you go. You'd probably forgotten (happily) about Arrested Development!

I have a big Walt Disney World Countdown Calendar and guess what? Only 151 more days! Time to start planning! :)

Motherhood

I don't have much to say, so I'll insert a portion of a talk I read by Teresa Santiago, given at a BYU Women's Conference, called "Get Thee Behind Me: Thwarting Latter-day Deceits." Excellent talk, especially this part:

"Satan's Deceit #5: Women's bodies are to be admired for their youth and beauty...Whenever we look in the mirror, we are reminded of what we are not. Satan would have it just that way. He would have us think that because our bodies do not look a certain, supposedly desirable, way, they are not worth having at all. Thus, we enter into a war with our bodies, hating the very tabernacle our Father has given us, despising the flesh. If Satan can get us to fixate on our bodies, either in vanity or self-loathing, then he has caused us to misunderstand completely the role our bodies play in our salvation."

"I was pregnant all one summer. I spent my time bobbing in the deep end of Deseret Towers' pool watching the women go by. I wondered why the women who had contributed the most to our society seemed to feel the least confident. Why did they cover their bodies as if in shame, disrobing only to plunge quickly down, their shoulders barely emerging above the waterline as they stood watching their children swim? Why did the freshman Deseret Towers' residents, young women who knew nothing of what breasts and hips and wombs are meant to do, rule, queens of the roost? In a better world, in a kinder, more saintly world, a mother's body would be kindly regarded, with respect and honor for what she has given, for what she has done. I am learning that a woman who mothers well gives all she has: body parts, internal organs, limbs. Some parts are temporarily donated; others, irreparably altered; most effects are permanent. And, if she lets this mothering sink into the marrow of her bones, if she allows the job of nurturing to wrestle with her spirit, a woman's soul is wrought in the image of God."

After describing the painfully premature labor and death of her third child (born with serious malformations), she says the following:

"Could I have broken my heart to the will of the Lord another way? Would I have come so heavy laden and willingly to the Savior's yoke?...I cannot help but think, as I remember those births, that this human body, also can make us most divine - that the peculiar pains of a woman's flesh teach her exquisitely, intimately. What they teach she cannot know beforehand or even know that she needs to know...Time writes its messages on all of us. Our very bodies have become our book of life, 'an account of our obedience or disobedience written in our bodies.' To what have we been obedient? To the purpose for which we were made: to provide a body and a safe haven for the spirits entrusted to our care. If we mother well, we wear out our lives bringing to pass the lives of others. Of the physical fruits - our wider hips, our sagging breasts, our flatter feet, and rounder buttocks - we need not be so ashamed."

David reminds me often that I will "be saved in my childbearing." After reading this talk, I think it means I'll finally learn - probably after a lifetime - the lesson of complete selflessness, the lesson of total forgiveness, the lesson of charity and unconditional love. Like Sister Santiago said, before I had children I didn't even know I needed to learn these things. Maybe all mothers need to be reminded of the true divinity of this calling from which we will never be released.

Thanks to all of you for being mothers I can emulate, and for giving all you have to your families.

No Regrets

Tonight I heard that a good friend's father passed away. I can't imagine what losing my parents will be like. Actually, I could start to imagine it but it's too painful so I am stopping right now. I feel like there's nothing I can do, except make cookies (which are baking as I type!) and maybe bring over some snack foods for her to put out for her out-of-town guests. The upside is I get to see her son and his family (her son's my age), who live in San Diego and aren't usually able to visit very often. I remain convinced that the way to overcome the fear of death (which is ubiquitous, no matter what you say) is to live a life with no regrets. Could someone tell me how that's done? :)

Also, today Hunter is 7 months old. It's hard to believe it's gone by so fast. I worry about my little guy, though, because although he's been taking Zantac for about two weeks, he threw up an INCREDIBLE amount of, well, stuff today. About 1/2 a cup, which is all his poor tummy can hold, I'm sure. He has a dr. appt. Friday and maybe he won't have to go through too many horrible tests. He's just pure joy, that sweet boy - his smile could melt a thousand hearts. He has his little games and conversations and always, that beautiful grin.

A wicked storm blew through N.M. tonight. Lots of thunder and lightning, rain coming down in sheets, hurricane wind (thank goodness we don't have hurricanes here!). Of course, Helena was terrified. (She comes by it honestly...my great-grandmother used to hide under the covers with a bottle of Scotch during thunderstorms.) But she pretended to be excited, like her Daddy, and tried (bless her heart!) to be brave. It WAS really loud and startling, and the power cut off for a minute. Sometimes I think Helena's intelligence has grown faster than her emotions, and I have to remind myself she's just three, after all. This morning we (myself and the kids) took a bike ride, with Helena riding her industrial-strength tricycle, and we rode a LONG ways - half a mile? three-quarters? - and she didn't complain a bit. The only thing is, I had to go REALLY slow. Like, dead turtle slow. The kids were happy, and so was I.

Oh, and big thrill for me - our garden has some ginormous tomatoes on it, and big fat green peppers that look "grocery store" good. (Not Aldi's - their produce is terrifying.) I can't believe it. Must be that Square Foot Gardening!

"Death is no more than passing from one room to another. But there's a difference for me, you know. Because in that other room I shall be able to see." - Helen Keller